OT (along the trails of the good-natured poking at the French...if you choose to take umbrage, shame on you...life is too short)
The following advisory for American travelers heading for
France was compiled from information provided by the U.S.
State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S.
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the
Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended
as a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the
continent of Europe, and is for all intensive purposes
fucking useless. It is an important member of the world
community, although not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.
France is a very old country with many treasures such as the
Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine,
and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next
to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing
exasperation for American visitors is that the people will-
fully persist in speaking French, although many will speak
English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are danger-
ously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in
a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental,
proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good
points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists
and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls'
names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out
medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and
to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual
recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave
their armpits or their legs.
Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers
are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany.
By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and,
apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French
government to flee to London.
History
*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was
President for many years and is now an airport. The French
armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about
every other country in the world.
Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections
are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-
off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons,
communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament
consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, con-
fusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members
are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be
trusted. Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting
off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant
when anyone complains. According to the most current State
Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is
not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and
they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for
anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more
boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family.)
Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are there-
fore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the
restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday
Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing
but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people
hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours
dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads
with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports,
in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry,
grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, mis-
cellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied land-
scape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very
nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't
still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best
thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember
no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our
vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When advised that France had announced it would not assist,
become allied with or otherwise support the
US in any war on Iraq, Perot reportedly said: "Having to go
to war without France is sort of like having
to go deer hunting without an accordion"
Fred Barnes (Fox News) said last week-
"It is good to have France on Iraq's side, because they will
be able to teach the Iraqis how to
surrender!!!> |
