Nope. If I ever get busted, I want Johnny Cochran and the ACLU nowhere near me.
Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now its mine," replied the farmer.
Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law." "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.
So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet.
"Alright, now it's my turn," said Johnny. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
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The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the
righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on
the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered
the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the
plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark
and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw
Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the
Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.
"I did my best but there were big
problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction and your plans did not comply with the
codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard,
so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for
the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no
owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the
EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very
kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with
the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I
am practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to
avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I
owe some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a 'recreational water
craft.'
Finally the ACLU got the courts to
issue an injunction against further construction of the
Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a
religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean
you are not going to destroy the Earth,
Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The
government already has!" |
