friday funnies...
stoopid joke of the week...
Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in a
cardboard box...
His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard
box, son?"
To which his son replies,
..
..
..
..
..
"Because there's no Baghdad!"
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Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got pissed off.
If our ancestors came over on a boat,how did herpes come over??
On the Captain's dingy.
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional
family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?" "I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?" :roll:
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sagely advice...
Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of
circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back
under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral
to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival.
-Captain Gerald Coffee POW in Vietnam for seven years
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You may be Over the Hill if...
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not
eating cereal. (ouch)
Your back goes out but you stay home.
You wake up looking like your driver's license photo.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. (what's money?)
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. (sometimes it's a chore)
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. (park and forget...that's me)
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your
bifocals. (mine are progressive ;-) )
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head
the whole time. (done that)
You sink your teeth into a steak -and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember
being on top of it.
Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat
and suffered from a stiff neck. (Kevin Raynek)
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Evening classes for men. Starting this month! Note: due to the
complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide
presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures
and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and
fly into the kitchen sink? examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other.
Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the
right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your
health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel
parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,
anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
CLASSES FOR WOMEN...
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses
are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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KIDS SAY THE MOST AMAZING THINGS...
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a
storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my
bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
bedroom that night. The next day,I talked to the children, and
explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I
was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said
OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was
late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving
passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
running shouting, "Hi,Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I
said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you
were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as
everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then
searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly
who his Mom was.
....
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm
Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she
must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I
thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
....
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to
the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down
around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very
pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost
directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to
iron."
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and finally...
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another" -- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?" -- Lee Iacocca
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
