friday funnies...
Things not to say while visiting a foreign country...
IRELAND
"Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE
"Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?"
ITALY
"Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "
POLAND
"Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?"
GERMANY
"Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY
"Where's the hash at?
It's cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
KOREA
"Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you
people deep fry him?"
CHINA
"This wall isn't so great."
SWEDEN
"Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
YEMEN
"Yemen? That's a stupid name for a country.
What's it mean -- 'Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?"
INDIA
"You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good
juicy steak around here?"
SPAIN
"So, this is the country that's not Portugal?
Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?"
MEXICO
"What's that smell?"
SAUDI ARABIA
"Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?"
RUSSIA
"Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"
UZBEKISTAN
"Can you spell Uzbekistan?"
GREECE
"I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN
"Seriously, where is the real country. where is everything?"
JAPAN
"What's Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?"
AUSTRALIA
"How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"
AMERICA
"Was John Wayne gay?"
=======================================
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!"
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
=========================================
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this shit!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought
his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the
Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."
====================================
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf
that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found",
the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
=====================================
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court", and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A:
Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats
and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You
forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or
thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that
upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes,
voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q:
And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A:
None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by
whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and
had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A:
Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you
check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so
sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q:
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it
is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
================================
FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN - by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
the Titanic.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
