friday funnies...
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
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blond jokes...
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in
movie? They went to see "Closed for the winter."
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and
finds a pair of x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully
convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On her way home, Bambi puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She
sees everyone in the street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and
everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is
naked! "Cool!" As she arrives back home,she is eager to show her new
toy to her husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and
finds her husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She
takes the glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back
on, and they are still naked. Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty
bucks for these and they're already broken!" (stoopid joke of the week)
A blonde hurries in to the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?"
the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit
suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to
commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde
said. "First I put the gun to my chest,and I thought: I just paid
$6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I
thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I
thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the
other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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DIET FACTS...
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.
One of the life's mysteries......
is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while.....
and it shrinks two sizes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out......
but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate fudge.
--------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots
back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didnt you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up
the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
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and finally...
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various
councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet
roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the
walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain
filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour
and not fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning
at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I
still have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it any more.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
