friday funnies...
lol...thanks peter...
stoopid joke of the week...
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged
attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious but stable condition. Luella has been arrested and charged with one count of a mis de wiener.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
musings...
Why are things typed up but written down?
We had Cured Ham for dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
Why do people say they "worked like a dog"? Our dog just sat around all day.
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea?
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.
I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise...so now I watch tennis.
Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?
How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no longer justifies the jeans.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Remember way back when, in the days of middle and high school, when it
was all about getting to the bases? Well, the long lost art of relating
sexual experiences to baseball is making a comeback and we've got the
explanations for you...
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
First Base
This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it
meant
holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
Second Base
Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the
clothes genital contact.
Third Base
Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
Home Run
This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when
you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and newfactors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado:
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - Sex without a condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
explain all the things that can happen now a days:
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - Impotency
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In
return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly
what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper
with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I
want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash
of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to
him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates...
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
and finally...
The company hires a new man.
He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up,
he
calls his new boss. "I'm sick," he says.
Boss excuses him.
The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly
impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says.
Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second
Monday
in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the
week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick."
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into
his
office.
"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but
you've
only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."
The man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to
console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to
another,
and we end up having sex all day long."
"Your sister!" says the boss. "That's disgusting."
The man says, "I told you I was sick."
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
