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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (28874)	8/1/2003 3:03:38 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62569

Subject: Fw: The Divorce :) After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.

To: Barney who wrote (28874)	8/1/2003 3:04:41 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62569

You Know You're a Redneck When...2003 Edition! 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You come back from the dump with more than you dropped off. 9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 10. Your grandmother has ammo on her Christmas list. 11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 13. You have used a rag for a gas cap. 14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 16. You can spit without opening your mouth. 17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement. 25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.