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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Jagfan who wrote (29403)9/26/2003 7:31:15 AM
From: John Carragher  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62558
 
thoughts to ponder

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut can save you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration



To: Jagfan who wrote (29403)9/26/2003 7:36:51 AM
From: John Carragher  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62558
 
GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died...)
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - mouthy comedian of the 70's
and 80's - could write
something so very eloquent ... and so very
appropriate post 9-11.
A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have
bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet
more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get
too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to
wait. We build more computers to hold more
information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and small character, steep
profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick
trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a
time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can
choose either to share this insight, or to just hit
delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will
grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a
warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it
doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish
the moment for someday that person will not be there
again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and
give time to share the precious thoughts in your
mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull
you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the
devil's workshop,"
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you
gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move
on. The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve
it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, to the next county, to a foreign
country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who cares?
-George Carlin



To: Jagfan who wrote (29403)9/26/2003 7:40:17 AM
From: John Carragher  Respond to of 62558
 
Subject: Golf




A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball
hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming
and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got
here in two, didn't I?"

- - - - -

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his
side.

She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye....and said, "This isn't going to
take all day, is it?"

- - - - - -

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and
joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first
time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play
with because they were already out on the course. He repeated
several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked
him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I
really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well.
The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all
even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and
two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach
shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the
green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was
still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you
said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a
hand."

- - - - - - -

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit
editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read
"Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is
a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in
a few seconds says, "In that case...let it read, "Fred Brown died:
golf clubs for sale."