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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: honjohn007 who wrote (29453)	10/3/2003 8:31:54 PM
From: honjohn007	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62569

Real Statements to Judges Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. ---------------------------------------------------- From a defendant representing himself . . Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. ---------------------------------------------------- Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. ---------------------------------------------------- Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. ---------------------------------------------------- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. ---------------------------------------------------- Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. ---------------------------------------------------- Judge: Please identify yourself for the record. Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson. Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for? Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name- not a damn thing. ---------------------------------------------------- Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? ---------------------------------------------------- Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court? Judge: Of course. Defendant: If I called you a SOB, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were a SOB? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: ....In that case, I think you're a SOB!!

To: honjohn007 who wrote (29453)	10/3/2003 10:15:24 PM
From: Karen Lawrence	Respond to of 62569

That's SO TRUE, John. Subject: No further questions your Honor If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.