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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?


To: Jagfan who wrote (29465)10/6/2003 8:25:49 PM
From: Jagfan  Respond to of 62567
 
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake



To: Jagfan who wrote (29465)10/6/2003 8:34:39 PM
From: Guardian  Read Replies (1) | Respond to of 62567
 
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx
communications)

In every episode of "Seinfeld" there was a Superman somewhere.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the
other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but
no channel 1.

"Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore
when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."(Thus the name
of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts-Charlemagne;
and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down -hence the
expression "to get fired."

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th,John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2,but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun
ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the
fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9
yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the"General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks
and whites.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a Superbowl. This changed in 2000, when the St. Louis Rams won the Super Bowl!!

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's
supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are: Marlboro,Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser in that order.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles
per year.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
chocolate.

Now doesn't your life feel more complete just knowing all this ? Now, read some more!

Did you know that in the movie, "The Bridges of Toko Ri", with William Holden, Grace Kelly and Mickey Rooney that the destroyer that Rooney was transferred to by breeches buoy after his trouble on the
carrier was named the USS Putnam, DD757?

How about the first man to score a touchdown in the very first Super Bowl? Elijah Pitts of the Green Bay Packers.

The only NCAA Division I school to win 1400 games in Basketball and 600 games in Football is Syracuse University.

Boog Powell was the first baseball player to perform in both the Little League World Series and the major league World Series, for Lakeland, Florida and Baltimore.

The first African-American to win the Heisman trophy was Ernie Davis of Syracuse University who was drafted by the Cleveland Browns where he would have been paired with another SU great, Jimmy Brown.
Mr. Davis died of Leukemia before he could play pro ball.

A.C. Gilbert, the toy mogul, was a NCAA wrestling champ in college and won the gold medal at the 1908 Olympics in the pole vault

Mickey Mantle hit the first home run in the Houston Astrodome when his Yankees played an exhibition game against the Houston Colt 45's.

QANTAS, the name of the Australian airline is an acronym for "Queensland and Northern Territorial Air Services"

Babe Ruth hit his first major league home-run in the Polo Grounds, the then home of the New York Baseball Giants.

Dorothy's last name in the "Wizard of Oz" was Gale.

The ten most important two letter words in the English language are "If it is to be, it is up to me"

Did you know that Dick Groat of Duke University and the Pittsburgh Pirates was the only man to win a NCAA basketball scoring championship and a major league batting title?

The first night game ever played in Brooklyn's Ebbet's field was also the occasion of the second of Johnny Vander Meer's back-to-back no hitters. He won 6 - 0 on June 15, 1938.

The last National League ball player to average .400 for the season was Bill Terry of the New York Giants in 1930.

Baby Doctor Benjamin Spock and the movies' "Tarzan", Johnny Weismuller had this in common. They were both Olympic gold medal winners: Weismuller for swimming and Spock was on the winning Yale
University crew.

The Sun Bowl is the oldest college bowl game played continuously in the same city, El Paso, TX since 1935. The Rose Bowl (1902) was moved to Durham, NC on January 1, 1942 because of WW II.

Eddie Eagan was the first American to win gold medals in both the winter and the summer Olympic games for bobsledding and boxing.

Harold Boyden was the first American to run a mile in under 4 minutes.

Jack Armstrong, the All-American boy, the old radio hero, attended good old Hudson High.

It wasn't Bill Bendix who originally played Chester T. Riley in "The Life of Riley" in the early days of television, it was Jackie Gleason.

Willie Stargell hit the most home runs in the major leagues during the 1970's. He hit 260 during that decade.

Ernie Nevers of the Chicago Cardinals set the single game scoring record for the NFL with 40 points including 6 touchdowns.

Vinko Bogataj was the name of the skier who took the terrible fall and came to be known as "The agony of defeat" of "Wide World of Sports".

"SIT ON A POTATO PAN, OTIS" is a palindrome.

The old San Francisco night club was called the "Hungry I". The "I" stood for intellectual.