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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (29570)	10/17/2003 11:38:32 PM
From: Guardian	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

God, I love the Brits!! > English Complaint letter > > What follows is a superb example of British humour in > a letter that was trulywritten and sent. The piece > suggests two things: > > 1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who > get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm > companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.) > > 2) The Brits appear to get a better education than > most , enabling them to write some fine letters of > complaint. > > Dear Cretins... > > I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when > I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, > cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During > this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy > of service which I had not previously considered > possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of > monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide > specific details, so that you can either pursue your > professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these > difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you > can have some entertaining reading material as you > while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking > vendor-coffee on the bog in your office. > > My initial installation was cancelled without warning, > resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on > my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. > When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes > listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even > more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look > at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom > by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an > activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and > highly adept. > > The rescheduled installation then took place some two > weeks later, although the technician did forget to > bring a number of vital tools-such as a drill-bit, and > his cerebrum. > > Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. > After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem > arrived, six weeks after I had requested it, and begun > to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers > downtime is roughly 35% - the hours between about 6 pm > and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the > weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone > connection. > > I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help > line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a > variety of disinterested individuals who are, it > seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have > been informed that a telephone line is available (and > someone will call me back); that I will be transferred > to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line > is available (and then been cut off); that I will be > transferred to someone and then been redirected to an > answering machine informing me that your office is > closed); that I will be transferred to someone and > then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot > woman. And several other variations on this theme. > Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as > you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied > customers to ignore, and also another one of those > crucially important testicle >moments to attend to. > > Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a > customer to voice my frustrations in print than to > shout them at your unending hold music. > > Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. > > I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had > attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer > relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be > more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive > to delivering service to their customers. That's why I > chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else > is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I > discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and > disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you > truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended > rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- > wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant > beacons of success in the filthy mire of your > seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I > have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to > receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that > you cease any potential future attempts to extort > payment from me for the services which you have so > pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any > such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity > and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by > derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. > > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care > from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my > utter and complete contempt for both you and your > pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have > >not become dessicated during transit -- they were > satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would > feel considerable disappointment if you did not > experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. > Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings > towards NTL, and its worthless employees. > > Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable > short life, you irritatingly incompetent and > infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. > > Murray & Ellen

To: Karen Lawrence who wrote (29570)	10/18/2003 9:26:51 AM
From: Joe Lyddon	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A young teacher was lecturing her class on map reading. After thoroughly explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked Ralph, "What if I asked you to meet for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" Pondering the question for a few moments, a very confused Ralph replied, "Well, I guess you'd be eating alone!"