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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Ish who wrote (30885)	3/8/2004 9:38:22 AM
From: Guardian	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62581

Palm Sunday: it was palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go, he shows up!" Children's sermon: one Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon; he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?" "I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!" Support a family: the prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." Grandma's age: little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "and how old would you be if you let go?" First time ushers: a little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five." Prayers: the Sunday school teacher asked, "now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "we don't have to. My mom is a good cook!" Climb the walls: "oh, sure I'm happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." the grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked. "I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit" the little boy answered. Life after death: "do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!

To: Ish who wrote (30885)	3/9/2004 2:03:50 AM
From: Lazarus_Long	Respond to of 62581

Assault with a Deadly Watermelon One upon a a time, there was a rookie crime-beat reporter who persisted in hanging around the desk sergeant, pestering him for stories. This upstart would even go so far as to rifle through the day's log when Sarge was away from his desk, further annoying Sarge. One day, when Sarge could take no more, he got a bright idea. He entered into the official police log, as one of the day's police calls, "Assault with a deadly watermelon." The rookie reporter, upon seeing this, begins badgering Sarge to give him the details, whereupon Sarge spins this yarn: Johnny and his girlfriend had been having a knock-down, drag-out fight in a downtown, 10th floor flophouse apartment. When Johnny fled from the apartment, out into the street, the girlfriend dropped this 23-pound watermelon from the 10th story window, smack onto Johnny, breaking his shoulder. The girlfriend was charged with assault with a deadly watermelon. Well, the next day, this hoax of a story wound up on the second page of the LA Times. Supposedly the LA Times fired the reporter, and the LAPD gave Sarge days off without pay. There is someone around here who insists this is funny and it belongs on the joke thread. Honest. I channel many people. Occasionally, to their disgust, I even admit who they are.