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Pastimes : The Non-Political Joke Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jagfan who wrote (186)	7/27/2004 11:18:17 PM
From: Jagfan	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

This is for mph. What's the difference between a consultant and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you laid all the consultants in the world head to foot around the Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call 5000 dead consultants at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When consultants die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the construction field, it is often noted that consultants make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said consultants were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having consultants as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A restaurant full of consultants was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one consultants every hour. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Why do they bury consultants ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)? A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What’s the difference between a consultants and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you have if three consultants are buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. “I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a consultants, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?” Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changing consultants is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the consultants whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the consultants won, the dog bit him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many consultants does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two consultants have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit. Question: Who hits the bay first? Answer: Who cares?!

To: Jagfan who wrote (186)	7/27/2004 11:40:05 PM
From: Lazarus_Long	Respond to of 1755

And you think I'm in trouble? :-) It was so cold last winter... How cold was it? ...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. ========================================================== Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. ========================================================== Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A. A doberman pinscher. ========================================================== Q. Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A. Take your foot off his head. ========================================================== NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWYERS US Government Department of Fish and "wildlife" Sec. 1200 1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it. 9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin. 10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season) 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster 3 (Female only) 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 6. Honest Attorney On the Endangered Species List (Illegal to hunt) 7. Cut-throat 2 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY