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Pastimes : The Non-Political Joke Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: mph who wrote (272)	8/3/2004 4:11:16 PM
From: Oeconomicus	Respond to of 1755

wildbill.nulldevice.net

To: mph who wrote (272)	8/3/2004 4:13:44 PM
From: Lazarus_Long	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

rules men wished woman knew ... 1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down. 3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Anyone can buy condoms. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. 10. Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not a sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress? 21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now. 23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car. 26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship. 37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine. 38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise. 39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'. 40. Do not question our sense of direction.

To: mph who wrote (272)	8/3/2004 5:40:49 PM
From: Alan Smithee	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

More on men (courtesy of my secretary) Subject: Men 1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. 2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose. 3. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men. 4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him. OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A.Because not one will stop to ask directions. 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts. 9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. 10. Q: What is the difference between men and women... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. 11. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds. 12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."