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Pastimes : The Non-Political Joke Thread -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Lazarus_Long who wrote (410)	8/16/2004 8:50:15 AM
From: Jagfan	Respond to of 1755

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail”. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.” The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?” The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, “I brought these.” The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?” He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”

To: Lazarus_Long who wrote (410)	8/16/2004 2:49:59 PM
From: Karin	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 1755

MILK MACHINE Jethro's cousin, Billy Bob the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his pecker into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his pecker. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."