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Politics : Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Kerry -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: redfish who wrote (45721)	8/30/2004 12:15:51 PM
From: redfish	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 81568

Republicans take bite out of the Big Apple By DAVE BARRY NEW YORK -- We are girding for big fun, here in the Big Apple. Everybody's here: Thousands of Republicans, tens of thousands of protesters who hate Republicans, a vast fleet of Death Squad taxi drivers who hate everybody, a security force large enough to occupy China, helicopters, many highly suspicious police dogs, Navy frogpersons, the usual smorgasbord of sidewalk loons and Dick Cheney. It's party time! You may be wondering why the Republicans decided to hold their convention in New York. According to an explanation issued by the GOP site-selection committee: ``We considered such factors as hotel space, meeting facilities, transportation and the financial incentives offered by the city. Then we smoked crack.'' That's the only way it makes sense. Because if you're looking for cities that would be appropriate hosts for a large national gathering of Republicans, New York is going to be pretty far down your list, somewhere below Havana. Politically, New York is very liberal: 68 percent of the city's registered voters are Democratic, with the remaining 32 percent evenly divided between Ché Guevara and Mao. It is believed that, at one time, there may have been Republicans in New York City; archeologists have found what appear to be the remains of a primitive golf course under what is now Central Park. But this early GOP settlement was apparently wiped out by what one historian has described as ``some kind of terrible catastrophe involving Al Sharpton.'' Nevertheless, the Republican convention is here, and New York is hoping it's ready. Security is very tight: There is no parking in Midtown Manhattan. Of course, there has never been parking in Midtown Manhattan. ''Manhattan'' is a Native American word meaning ``place where you cannot park in Midtown.'' But things are expected to be even more difficult than usual this week as the Republicans gather in Madison Square Garden (or, for you readers of The New York Post, Yankee Stadium) to nominate President George W. Bush and Vice President Cheney, whose inspirational new campaign slogan, revealed today, is: ``OK, they've made some mistakes, but at least they're not lying about what they did or did not do on a Swift boat in 1969.'' This slogan is believed to be a subtle ''dig'' at Democratic nominee John Kerry, whose record during the Vietnam era, to judge from the amount of media scrutiny, pro and con, it has received in the past few weeks, is the most important single issue facing Americans today. Call me a dreamer, but I'm hoping that at some point before we go to the polls, we can get this campaign past the Vietnam era to at least, say, the late '70s. For example, as a voter, I want to know whether Sen. Kerry or President Bush was in any way involved in disco; and, if so, was it a casual involvement, or did they actually wear shirts with giant collars and do the Hustle. This is only one of the questions I'll be exploring this week as I try to report on the Republican convention. I say ''try'' because the level of security clearance I've been given doesn't allow me to get any closer to Madison Square Garden than Hartford, Conn. But I will do my best, as a journalist, to ferret out the truth, by which I mean get into parties featuring free food and liquor. I'm especially interested in attending the bash being thrown by the Republican site-selection committee, because those people are INSANE. miami.com