I am celebrating one of those kind of meaningless birthdays. 57.
What good is 57.
It's just another digit on my road to Supercronedom.
Some birthdays are memorable.
I remember 2. I swear I do. I got a teeny grand piano.
I remember Sweet 16, when my Dad hung a wistfully optimistic banner across the front porch "SWEET SIXTEEN AND NEVER BEEN KISSED".
I remember 30. I had just gotten married. We had no money.
And 40 when my kids asked me if I would stop crying now that it was over because they were really tired of it.
And 50? AHa! 1998! I was HERE on SI. Curiosity got the better of me, and I have upgraded my SI and searched my birthday. For my own birthday pleasure I am revisiting each one of them on SI. Imagine 9 birthdays here. I think that's sort of
SCARY.
2/21/97
Well, as I pour a second glass of wine, I ponder the challenge of a housewife's life whose children are fast approaching independence, whose husband is making his push at the pinnacle of a career, and whose portfolio is not providing her with the sense of accomplishment she had expected. And I contemplate my mother's menopausal words, "My husband's dead, my children have finally left home, these are the best years of my life." and I'm thinking,
"By the time we make it, we've had it." (Malcolm Forbes)
2/20/98
I had a dream this morning. And because I feel like writing and not looking at my stocks and because I'm being taken out to lunch today and feel frivolous, and because you are a man who appreciates dreams, I'll tell you about it.
My dear spouse told me to sleep in today and he got Ammo to school and when I woke up, which I really didn't, I knew I was late for school---I was entering my old high school heading for Latin class. I stopped in the hall trying to remember where the room was and the headmistress came down the hall-only it was the headmistress from the boys' old school whose name was Grace and who was a bitch. She said, "where's your hallpass?" And I said, "I'v never been late before. I didn't know I needed one." And she said "Go to the office!" So I did, and saw my best friend, Betty Stuart XXXXX, the real headcheerleader, and she said, "You're going to be late for Algebra," so I ran into the office and it was like Versailles, and I said, "Wow, things have changed," and the secretary said," Yes, we redecorated when Grace came," then she said, "You were always one of my favorite students, so I'll tell you that you're in big trouble." I realized then that I was both me now and me at 17 and for some reason the sec. knew it, but no one else did.
"You know, I'm a senior and have never been late in my life. I should be rewarded, not punished." I said. And marched back to the executive offices where there was a huge mural carving thing on the wall that said,
"Possunt quia posse videntur."
-unonymous- (sic)
I said,"That's not anonymous. It's Virgil. ANd they misspelled anonymous. This is terrible. Where's Grace!" And I stomped back to this incredible office where a bunch of teachers were gathered around a conference table. "We've been waiting for you," said one.
"Good, because I have some things to say, starting with that mural out there."
"I TOLD you someone would notice that," some woman hissed to the person next to her.
"And it's Virgil, anyway," I yelled indignantly. "Mrs Weaver would have known that." (Mrs. Weaver was my Latin teacher and the best teacher I ever, ever had)
"She's still teaching, but she's over 80 and a little senile," said the woman.
THen I went into this diatribe about the state of modern education but it was all tied up in how they should let seniors be late without needing a hall pass.
Then everyone stood up. Grace walked in with a gallon of ice cream and said, "Sometimes we decide to reward instead of punish transgressors." And everyone cheered, "Yay-it's an ice cream day,"
and then I woke up.
2/6/99- to someone else apparently turning 40
Happy, happy BIRTHDAY!!!!! The forties are wonderful years! Well-except for the strange body shape-shifting thing. As a matter of fact, you are really just approaching the wonderful decade when the sharp judgmental edges of youth are softened by the years of experience. You now become a person of wisdom, not just learning, of compassion rather than sentimentality. Now you step back from the subjective opinions of your early years and embrace the wonderful diversity of us all with understanding and appreciation..
Enough of that..Have I convinced you not to get drunk and mourn your lost youth? No? Yeah---it didn't work for me either. I cried for the week before my fortieth. Oddly, fifty bothered me hardly at all. MAybe that's because my brain has begun to deteriorate and I'm sliding into the twilit years of senility. But at least I'm very happy.
Forty is NOTHING--pshaw~ I spit upon 40! You have your hair! Your waistline! I've seen pictures!! You look 30. You have only just begun!
(I'm doing my Karen Carpenter imitation now, minus the anorexia)
ANd if you don't look back at fifty and think how little you knew at forty, then you will have wasted the years!!!! THink of all that living to come, and knowledge to gain! It is exactly the feelings you expressed last night that say how well you are using your life! How awful to still think as if you were twenty! TO view death from that angle, to see love in that shallow way, to measure your life by the standard you held then!
Have a wonderful day--have a wonderful year! Have a wonderful decade!
2/18/00
We just got back from dinner too. I may be late to the party but I know you will all understand. The doorbell rang this evening and I answered it and there was a handsome young man with a huge bouquet of flowers, who threw his arms around me and shouted, "Happy BIRTHDAY Weekend, Mom!"
CW had driven home for the weekend to surprise me.
I got all teary.
The second part of my present is in the school newspaper--a humorous column by CW!!! He even has a picture...for which he borrowed his roommate's glasses and posed, chin in hand, looking very sober and scholarly. And it's a very good column!
Then we went out to eat. ANd I ate everything I wanted to.
So would you roll over a few inches and make room for me to lie on my back and grunt with you?
2/21/01
CR! The place looks-- astounding!
So-festive! In a sort of jungle warfare meets funeral parlor kind of way.
And really, that 20-gun salute was lovely. I'm sorry I cried. It was the combination of Taps being played and X's lousy aim. A nerfball in the eye is quite painful.
And I'm sorry I didn't get to fully appreciate the wonderful billboard blowup before it was destroyed, but when I saw that huge threatening shape through the window, I just reacted and opened fire. It's a good thing you all were practicing your stop, drop and roll in preparation for the ritual lighting of the BIRTHDAY candle forest fire.
And speaking of cakes, I just bet our new Italian chef did this one! It's adorable! I've never seen a cake shaped like a giant head of garlic before!
I suppose you don't know this but the CD Freddy sent me for my BIRTHDAY is
A requiem
I kid you not.
I'm sure he didn't realize it.
2/21/01
Today I was watching CNBC and a commercial came on for my husband's old law firm. When he joined them 21 years ago, they were very new and young- 26 lawyers- and the two founding partners only 50 and 40. Now they are international, and have 400 lawyers.
Dan would be a senior partner, and we would be rich rich rich. ANd it wouldn't matter that I have lost zillions of dollars this week.
Of course he would have worked 80 hour weeks and our children would never have seen him.
Today, the doorbell rang and it was a floral delivery.
They were from CW- I cried. Imagine a college kid remembering his mother's BIRTHDAY! "Sorry I can't be with you" the card said.
"That's your report card," said my best friend, Jan, who had called to say HB. "Chuck says when the boys do something wonderful, that it's our parental report card. You guys just got an A."
ANother dear friend called. She was at work. She has an important job. When we meet, she has on suits and panty hose. I have on jeans and sneakers. I wonder- if I had kept working after the boys were born--- would I be the Director of Social Services now, wearing smart suits and pantyhose without runs in them?
Ammo leaves for the state swim meet in the morning-- they have a psych dinner tonight. "I'll leave it early so I can be home for your BIRTHDAY," he said, when he left this morning. "You don't have to do that," I said.
"I want to, Mom," he said.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
and be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it turned in the undergrowth....
2/22/02
Thank you all so much for all the BIRTHDAY wishes! It really meant a lot-- especially seeing the old "faces".
It was such a nice day. My boys both called. Even though they had gotten reminder e-mails from their father, they swore they would have remembered. Ammo says he remembers because it is one month plus 5 days after his. Weirdly, CW announced during his phone call, without prompting, that he remembers my BIRTHDAY because it is his plus 2 minus 1.
I think that reinforces the egocentric nature of teenagers.
Lather, there was champagne. That is all I can report.
It came, I drank. It came, I drank. I never saw the bottles, but I believe there was more than one, judging by how crappy I have felt all day.
Tonight we are going to an Italian restaurant with our gourmand French barge friends. We are told that the chef is imported from Italy...
I was very impressed and intimidated, until I started thinking about it. I mean, they could hire me at the Frankfurt McDonald's and say they had imported an American chef, ja?
I had a wonderful day with Jan; we shopped and I bought, and then at the end of the day, I decided I couldn't afford any of it, and returned it all.
Bulimic Shopping.
I had the thrill of all that purchasing, and then I purged, leaving my credit card bill nice and skinny.
I am trying to think of some way to market this idea.
2/23/03
Morning, Justin,
Happy firstday- what a nice sentiment! Much more optimistic than fretting at the Lastday, or mourning over The Day as you watching the last moments of the year slide away and think about all you didn't accomplish.
My Firstday was lovely. I received a gorgeous bouquet from CW who, had he known about Firstday, would have adopted it quickly, since it would look so much better than being a day late. Still, it is impressive he remembered at all. Mom, he said, you TOLD me it was your BIRTHDAY Friday. It was a little hard to forget.
Ammo on the other hand, forgot completely, not having a reminder, and is now writing little contrite, self-abasing notes on a regular basis ("I am a bad son!" "I love my mother!" "My mom is the best, most forgiving woman in the world!") that are really much more fun than if he'd remembered.
3/6/04
MY BIRTHDAY is the Bangladesh Martyrs Day/National Mourning Day. |
