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A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
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An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
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A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes before you did."
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?"
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brains?"
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?"
Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
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A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin
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A lawyer and his Czechosolvakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
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Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think libarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon " When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electrians, all their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.They are heartless ,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
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In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. "After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
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Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
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Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call 10 dead lawyers at the bottom of a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of a river?
A: A solution.
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call a lawyer up to his chin in concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger.
The other is a fish.
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q. What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture eventually lets go.
Q. Why is it dangerous to pull back into traffic too soon after an ambulance goes by?
A. You might get run over by all of the lawyers.
Q. Why is it illegal to shoot an honest lawyer?
A. It's an endangered species.
Q. Why does New Jersey have a lot of toxic waste dumps while California has a lot of lawyers?
A. NJ had first choice.
Q: Why don't lawyers don't lay on the beach?
A: Because they are afraid a cat will come by and cover them up.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they are really nice people.
Q: Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung?
A: To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate!
Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web?
A: Three! (All the rest are true!)
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A. Back over him to make sure. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A. Both have about a one in 3 million chance of being a human being.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A. A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
Q. What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
A. Ask him if he's a member of the bar. |
