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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: halfscot who wrote (3884)	11/13/1997 3:10:00 PM
From: halfscot	Respond to of 62558

Pilot Humor: Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt." ---------------------------- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had ham- mered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?" ------------------------------------------ "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. ------------------------------------- In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which you love more. --------------------------------------------- Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest airlines." --------------------------------------- United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down." --------------------------------------- About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final approach that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant come on the PA and announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ------------------------------------- Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to loose your luggage." ---------------------------------------- Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! Get off my freakin back, man!" ---------------------------------------- What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

To: halfscot who wrote (3884)	11/13/1997 3:11:00 PM
From: halfscot	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Fighter Pilot Humor: How many fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him. ---------------------------------------------- How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? He'll tell you. ----------------------------------- What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.... ------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot when it's drunk. --------------------------------------- What do fighter pilots use for birth control? Their personality. ------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking spot.

To: halfscot who wrote (3884)	11/13/1997 3:23:00 PM
From: halfscot	Respond to of 62558

Law Satire: The Tobacco Settlements are a huge complicated deal, so this should help answer some questions about the settlements going on around the country. (For those of you outside the United States, nearly all of the 50 states have filed law suits against the makers of cigarettes to recover health related costs.) This was contributed by Jacob Giles, Atlanta, GA. Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement? A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government. Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed? A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected. Q: Lawyers? A: Yes. Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money? A: Of course. Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money? A: By selling more tobacco products. Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products? A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement. Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal? A: Because people would smoke them anyway. Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal? A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far far worse. Q: Failure to make large political donations?? A: Yes. Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement? A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug Administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel. Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have? A: The late Lucille Ball's. Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer? A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation. Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic spectacle? A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label identifying him only as "A United States President." Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now being kept in top-secret government freezers? A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers. Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke? A: I have my own.