Few Jokes
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't
step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries
again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the
zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third
time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto
the bus. She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know
you well enough for you to do that!!"
The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my
fly three times either!"
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Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking when the first
mentioned to the second that he had a belly ache. The second cannibal
asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"
"No," replied the first, "All I've eaten recently was a missionary."
"Hmm," said the second, "And how did you cook him?"
"I boiled him as usual," replied the first.
The second asked, "Was he tall, thin and wearing a black robe with a
white collar?"
"No" replied the first, "He was short, fat, balding, and wore a brown
robe."
"Ah ha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem, you shouldn't
have boiled him. That was a Friar!"
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Q1: What do Jehovah's Witnesses hate about Halloween?
A1: All those strange people coming to their doors, asking for stuff.
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A woman is having a drink at the bar when a guy sidles up to her and says,
"Pardon me, I couldn't help but notice that you have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen."
"Well, I never. You keep you filthy thoughts to yourself, you creep." She gets up and moves to the other end of the bar.
He follows her over, sits down next to her and says "While you were walking away, I noticed that you also have a perfect perky little ass." "Sir, you are way out of line. I must ask you to leave me alone this instant."
Undeterred, he replied "I tell you something else, I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry" "Sir, my husband will be arriving in ten minutes, and he's going to put a serious hurting on you for saying such things to me."
Her husband arrives. The woman says "That greasy looking man over there said I have nice breasts."
"I'll punch his lights out" replied the husband. "He also said I have a perfect ass"
"He's really gonna get knocked out now." The burly husband said. "That's not all, he said he wants to tip me upside down, fill my pusy with beer and drink me dry"
"Well, uh, maybe we better get going. I don't want to mess with anyone who can drink that much beer."
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A guy gets arrested for poaching a Peregrine Falcon; an endangered species. When he
comes up for arrainment before the judge he pleads that he was in the wilderness and
starving and besides he didn't realize that the bird was an endangered species. The
judge understandingly gives him a fine and a warning that if he does that again he will
get a prison sentence. On his way out of the courtroom the judge quitely asks him,
"What did that falcon taste like anyway? He says,"Well your honor, I'd say somewhere
between a Bald Eagle and a Spotted Owl"
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How many battered women does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if she knows what's good for her!
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A little boy was in class one day, in obvious discomfort. The teacher approached and whispered, "Tommy, is something wrong?"
"Well, I got circumcised yesterday and it's pretty sore." He replies.
"Maybe you better go call your Mother." The teacher suggests.
So little Tommy leaves the room to go to the phone and comes back a few minutes later with his penis sticking out of his pants.
"Tommy!!" The teacher exclaims, "What do you think you're doing!!??"
"Well, Mommy said that if I could stick it out 'till noon, she would come and get me."
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A missionary, who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build
things to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to
return home.
He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and
grunts, "tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock," at
which the chief looks and grunts, "rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the
bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of hot and heavy
romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a
bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe
how to be civilized and kind to each
other, so how could he kill these people?
The chief replies, "That my bike."
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Four guys have been playing golf together every Sunday for over twenty years.
One Sunday morning Charley said to Fred, you know we have been playing golf for
twenty years and you have never missed a tee time. All of us have missed a few, here
and there, because of sickness and vacation. How come you have never missed a tee time?
Fred said, heck I'm very healthy, I've never been sick a day in my life and I just don't like
going on vacations.
What I do every Sunday morning at 6 A.M. is ask my wife the same question - GOLF
OR SEX? She always says the same thing, DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON
THE WAY OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday
morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'
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Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few
stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and
obviously in serious respiratory distress.
One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?"
"You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you
breathe??" She shook her head no.
He said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe,
with great relief.
Back to his friend he said, "Funny how that "hind lick maneuver" always
works"!!!!!!
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A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the
best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and
most expensive cars in the world. That night, he takes it out for a spin
and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both
looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over
the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got
there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man
proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies
the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back
on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer
reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that
seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young
man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it
almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911
Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows
into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to
the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side
mirror, please."
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You
must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all,
Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was
not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either." |
