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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Terry Jackson who wrote (4027)	12/1/1997 12:07:00 PM
From: T.R.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

They say she's super woman.... Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar > > December 1 > Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn > upside > down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. > > December 2 > Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for > answering machine. > > December 3 > Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion > cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. > > December 4 > Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. > > December 5 > Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. > > December 6 > Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for > consideration. > > December 7 > Debug Windows '95 > > December 10 > Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. > > December 11 > Lay Faberge egg. > > December 12 > Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. > > December 13 > Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly > for > decorative pie crusts. > > December 14 > Install plumbing in gingerbread house. > > December 15 > Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case > tires > are shot out at mall. > > December 17 > Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. > > December 19 > Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same > height > when sitting at his or her assigned seat. > > December 20 > Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to > add > a festive sparkle to the pasture. > > December 21 > Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and > cinnamon sticks. > > December 22 > Float votive candles in toilet tank. > > December 23 > Seed clouds for white Christmas. > > December 24 > Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in > last > minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less > inadequate > than they really are. > > December 25 > Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with > homemade potpourri. > > December 26 > Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. > > December 27 > Build snowman in exact likeness of God. > > December 31 > New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in > each > time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country. > >

To: Terry Jackson who wrote (4027)	12/1/1997 12:15:00 PM
From: T.R.	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Why God never received tenure at any university... 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some doubt he wrote it himself. 6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since? 7. The scientific community can't replicate his results. 8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects. 9. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 10. He rarely came to class and just told students read the book. 11. Some say he had his son teach the class. 12. He expelled his first two students. 13. His office hours were irrgular and sometimes held on a mountain top. 14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed.