ARRRRGGGHHH!
That joke was uttered here 32724 times, and I even posted a video of it.
For penance, you must read through these - "husband" jokes that I stole from somewhere!
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands!
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Immediately he turned ninety!
Must be a feminist fairy...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
Okay okay that was done here before.
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A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
- She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
- Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
- Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
- Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
- And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
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mental anxiety
mentally dysfunctional
menopause
menstrual cramps...
Ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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A guy went to the doctor's for a check-up, with his wife.
After the exam, the doctor called the wife aside and said, "Your husband has a very serious disease which can be aggravated by stress. You must follow a certain regimen, or else your husband will die. Each morning, fix him a big, nutritious breakfast. You must always be pleasant and do everything to keep your husband in a good mood. Don't overwork him. Don't burden him with your problems. Most important, make love to him daily...twice a day on weekend. If you do all this, your husband should regain his good health."
Afterward, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"
She said: "The doctor says you're going to die."
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Q: Husband: Want a quickie?
A: Wife: As opposed to what?
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In a small town, a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she whacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could.
He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?"
She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex."
He nodded his head but said nothing.
Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he whacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could.
When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked, "What was that for?"
"That's for knowing the difference."
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Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
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Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
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Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever Yeah? she replies. When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last
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How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
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My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
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A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed." |
