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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: PAL who wrote (4104)	12/10/1997 2:43:00 AM
From: Jay Bilotta	Respond to of 62548

Director's Guide to Making Movies - During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. - All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. - Most dogs are immortal. - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year. - All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. - All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. - It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. - Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. - The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. - If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now. - You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. - If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or the forthcoming art exhibition. - The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. - If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. - The Chief of Police is always black. - When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. - Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. - Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. - Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. - Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. - Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. - The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective, or give him 48 hours to finish the job. - A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. - Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. - Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. - Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. - It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. - When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. - No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. - Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. - When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. - You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. - Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. - An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. - Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects the character at the precise moment that they are watching.