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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Michael C. Woodward who wrote (4134)	12/13/1997 1:53:00 PM
From: Rick Slemmer	Respond to of 62551

The X-[Mas] Files .. Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some THING. Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice." Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry. Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear? Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

To: Michael C. Woodward who wrote (4134)	12/13/1997 9:43:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62551

All Men Need To Take This Course!!! A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception MEN 113 Get a Life; Learn to Cook Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an [anus] When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest -- You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise -- Especially naked Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay

To: Michael C. Woodward who wrote (4134)	12/16/1997 1:53:00 PM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62551

THE VERY LAST 11 THINGS ANY WOMAN MIGHT SAY 11. Leave your dirty clothes piled up on the floor in our bedroom, I don't mind. 10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. 9. Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me. 8. I think hairy butts are really sexy. 7. Hey! Get a whiff of that one. 6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. 5. This diamond is just way too big. 4. I think the house is clean enough, go ahead and go fishing. 3. We take just too many vacations...can we cut back? 2. Does this make my butt look too small? 1. I'm wrong, you must be right....... again.