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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Pami who wrote (4137)	12/13/1997 6:36:00 PM
From: arnold silver	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

There were 2 lifetime friends Pancho and Pedro , Pancho decided to get married,at the wedding ,he went to find his bride and she wasn't around. He went upstairs and in the bedroom he found Pedro in bed with his wife,he immediatly went down stairs and took everyone up to see what was going on. Pancho flung open the door and said to everyone ,LOOK AT THAT CRAZY PEDRO,he thinks he is me

To: Pami who wrote (4137)	12/15/1997 1:37:00 PM
From: Jacques Chitte	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

Elementary Science: Definitive proof that the US system of elementary science education is the best in the world. The following are actual quotes from 11 year olds' science exams: 1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" 2. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." 3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" 4. "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" 5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" 6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." 7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." 8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." 9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." 10. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." 11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." 12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." 13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." 14. "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the bominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." 15." The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." 16." The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." 17." The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." 18. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." 19. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." 20. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." 21. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." 22. "Liter: A nest of young puppies." 23. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." 24. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." 25. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." 26. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." 27. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." 28. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." 29. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." 30. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." 31. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial perspiration." 32. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." 33. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." 34. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." 35. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." 36. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." 37. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." 38. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

To: Pami who wrote (4137)	12/16/1997 2:06:00 PM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62551

They laughed at Pons & Fleishmann about cold fusion, too. __________________________ Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, the variety one which, according to one of our staff who has small children, is believed to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. We don't know yet of any clams that have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix". Your claim that "it makes the an excellent candidate for a juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur" is again being contested. Upon detailed investigation, the specimen takes on deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench which, incidentally, looks as if it predates Sear's lifetime warranty clause. We look forward to working again with you in the future. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

To: Pami who wrote (4137)	1/5/1998 10:31:00 AM
From: Kip518	Respond to of 62551

A Sardonicus Special Report: CBS - Rather- Breaking News - Reliable unnamed sources today reported seeing Chelsea Clinton walking within 3 blocks of an abortion clinic in Palo Alto, CA........... ABC - Jennings - Top story this evening is the reported sighting of Chelsea Clinton enroute to an abortion clinic in Palo Alto, CA....... Wash Post. - Chelsea Clinton was spotted today on her way to have an abortion at a nearby clinic in Palo Alto, CA...... N.Y. Times - The question is, was this to be an early or late term abortion...... Wm. Safire - Fred Thompson - A special prosecuter willÿ be demanded to investigate whether anyÿ federal funds were usedÿ in performing the recent late term........ NBC - Brokaw - Fleecing of America:ÿ Recent rumored use of Federal Funds for the performance of a possible illegal.............. Kenneth Star- My office will seek funds today to investigate the possible connection of the Clintons to an abortion clinic in Palo Alto....... Cokie Roberts - The impact of the recent Clinton family abortion on the Washington cocktail circuit has been enormous, throwing doubt on the passage of any more of the Clinton agenda by this Congress in THIS TOWN......... Rush Limbaugh - I have it from unimpeachable sources that at least 10 abortions have been performed on Hillary and Chelsea Clinton within the last........ Christian Coalition - The moral depravity of the Clinton administration......... WCCO, Mpls.ÿ -ÿ Here are a few guidelines for you parents who are grieving over the fact that your daughter has been lurking near an abortion clinic lately....... and here are a few telephone numbers of counselors that you may call in your grief .... PBS - Leherer- Gigot and Shields-ÿ The impact of the latest inside the beltline Clinton family scandal on the elections this coming fall is certain to be.............