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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: RIK who wrote (4147)	12/15/1997 7:51:00 PM
From: Scott Moody	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

RIK Outstanding, my stepson who is a computer programmer is going to love this. Golf Joke: --------------------------------------------------------------------- Paul and Ben, new to the game and not very good, teed up at the local golf course one morning. Paul sliced his ball badly and Ben hooked his ball equally as bad. As they went different directions looking for their balls Paul found his in a clump of wildflowers. As he prepared to swing he heard a gentle voice speak to him "Please don't disturb the buttercups", he looked around, saw nowbody and swung, destroying several of the flowers. Suddenly a clap of thunder occured and a strong loud voice said, "I am Mother Nature and I warned you to not disturb the buttercups! For your sin against nature, your punishment will be that you will never, ever enjoy the taste of butter again. Butter will be rancid on your tounge for the rest of your life!" Stunned, Paul wondered what had happened to Ben. He called loudly for Ben, "Ben Ben where are you", Ben replied "I'm over here in the pussywillows" whereupon Paul shouted, "Whatever you do Ben, don't swing, don't swing."

To: RIK who wrote (4147)	12/16/1997 11:01:00 AM
From: (Bob) Zumbrunnen	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 62552

Night Before Christmas rewrites: For Network Admins servtech.com Dirty and Vulgar (very -- you've been warned) geocities.com Politically Correct peggiesplace.com For Trekkies aardvark.apana.org.au One of many Techie ones kurtz.tcimet.net Original as rewritten by a government tech writer access.digex.net For Chemists wizard.pharm.wayne.edu For Bikers hazmat.com For Hillbillies gco.com Corporate viewpoint (not a poem) svensworld.com There are lots more of them out there. I'll try to gather some of those later.

To: RIK who wrote (4147)	12/16/1997 1:31:00 PM
From: SJS	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

Subject: Humor: Microsoft Panhandler 97 (Beta) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday at the Comdex Trade show the introduction of a new product for the Windows Operating System: Microsoft Panhandling. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit with very little initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times. "Subsequently, I have asked our Microsoft engineers to work around the clock to complete my vision of pan handling for the 21st century.", Gates said. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft, as many know, is a stinking rich company. "As a core OS product, Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95 and Windows NT, and all our future Windows OS products. We envision that at random intervals, a dialog box will pop up, asking the user if they could spare any change. This is so that Microsoft employees have enough money to get a hot meal." "We have to feed our destiny to dominate this industry. No longer will our employees be treated to warm carbonated beverages, and stale junk food. They deserve better, and now get an opportunity to rise above their status as nourishment challenged." said Mr. Gates. "Don't tell Mr. Gates I said this, but it's a small lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "We do like our diet of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little to make their point? We need to strengthen our case with good marketing. After all, it's for a good cause." You can tell that these guys at Microsoft sure have been working overtime on this. Here's how it works: When asked by Windows95 or WinNT, the user can click "Yes" on the occasional panhandling query, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $1.50 is transferred via EFT to Microsoft's bank account. Microsoft Money users will have the added benefit of integration that enables these transactions to be tracked via the new MS Money "Charitable Gifts" built-in features. The user can also respond "Cancel" , in which case the program calls them cheap and toggles 13 bits at random on the their disk (but not in their Windows directory). It then politely tells the user to have a nice day. A "No" button has not yet been implemented, but is serious future product consideration. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years, and certainly by end of this century. Who wants to say no, anyway?" The "NO" button is reportedly being designed with ActiveX automation, due in Windows 05 (that's 2005....). The "No" button would just exit cleanly from the donation's request prompt, with no other action taken. Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. Be on the lookout for products like: Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, Microsoft Assault, which destroy's Netscape Navigator's Internet Explorer URL Bookmark list unless you fork over $2.50/URL. Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows95 windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison."I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "Gee, a new idea for our Explorer 98 browser.."