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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Steve LaRiviere who wrote (4344)	1/11/1998 9:49:00 PM
From: steve	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Ok, I'm chiming in... From my friend the psychologist -- Irritation, aggravation, and frustration A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." "That's aggravation." "Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" ================================================================ Texan at Niagra Falls A Texan, complete with boots and cowboy hat, was standing admiring the beauty of the Niagra Falls. A fellow from New York sarcastically commented, "I'll bet you don't have anything like this in Texas". "No," drawled the Texan without even glancing at the arrogant New Yorker, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!" ************************************************** Three elderly ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, 'You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.' The second lady says, 'You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!' The third lady smiles smugly. 'Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood.' She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, 'Who's there?' ********************************** The Summit Current Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, goes by the nickname "Bibi". His wife, in contrast to most Israeli "first ladies", plans to take a more activist role in her country's affairs. Thus, it would be appropriate when the first summit conference is held between Israel and the PLO to have Mrs. Netanyahu introduce her husband to the PLO leader Arafat by saying, "Yasir, that's my Bibi" I know, I should have warned you! =====================================================================

To: Steve LaRiviere who wrote (4344)	1/12/1998 8:43:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Here are a few more: What are the wives of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono called? Widows '98. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What does the island of Elba and the Heavenly Ski Lodge have in common? Bonoparts ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What did Michael Kennedy say when he met Sonny in the afterlife? "What are you doing in this neck of the woods?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sonny has put the PINE back in alPINE skiing! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sonny's last film...Forest Thump! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What was Sonny wearing when they found him? A Douglas Fir! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Those politicians are all bark and no bite. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What does BONO stand for? Brain, Organs, Neck, Obliterated or Busted , Open, 'Nother, One ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man who had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off and he couldn't provide her with the things she wanted, so he made do by doing everything she asked around the house. One night the wife came home late, wearing a diamond necklace. Knowing that he hadn't given her the money to buy such expensive jewelry, he asked., "Where did you get that from" The wife quickly replied, "I won it at bingo, now go draw my bath." He did as she commanded and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late, wearing a mink coat. Once again, the husband became suspicious and asked, "Where did you get that from?" The wife replied: "Same place as the necklace. I won it at bingo. Now go draw my bath." Once again, he did as he was told and said not another word about it. The next night the wife came home late again, this time driving a brand new Mercedes Benz. The husband, overcome with suspicion asked, "Where the Hell did you get that from?" His wife, still trying to maintain her cool, and her control over her husband. answered, "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things from!! I told you where I get this. I won it at bingo. Now go upstairs and run my bath for me, and not another word about it!" The man quietly went upstairs. A few moments later the wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub. The wife yelled from the bathroom "How come you put so little water in the tub?" The husband yelled back from the bedroom, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny had a bad problem of cussing all the time. His fatherd decided to do something about it so he went to his shrink and asked him what to do. His shrink said to ask Johnny what he wanted for Christmas and if the child swore then put a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas the father asked Johnny what he wanted for Christmas and Johnny replied, "I want a fucking teddy bear right beside me when I wake up...a goddamned train around the tree when I go downstairs and a motherfking red assed bike outside in the garage. On Christmas morning Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit, then he stumbled down stairs and around the tree he saw piles of dog shit. So then he walked outside and sitting in the garage was yet another pile of dog shit. So Johnny went back inside with a very confused look on his face. His father asked him, "Johnny what did you get for Christmas?" Little Johnny replied, "I think I got a fking dog, but I can't seem to find the little son-of-a-bitch"