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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: RCVJr who wrote (4349)	1/12/1998 4:40:00 PM
From: Shawn M. Downey	Respond to of 62549

> Sign on a curio shop in Hong Kong: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists. > > Tokyo hotel: It is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are not a > person to do such a thing please do not read this notice. > > Leipzig, Germany, elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only > when it up. > > Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. If you > > lose them in your room we are not responsible. > > Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between > the > > hours of 9am and 11am daily. > > Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job > of the chambermaid. > > Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the women who are > employed to clean the rooms. > > Moscow hotel: You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian > > and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except > Thursday. > > Hong Kong Tailor Shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. > > Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for the best results. > > Paris dress shop: Elegant dresses designed for street walking. > > Rhodes, Greece tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because of the big > rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. > > Japanese hotel: Cold and Heat: If you want to condition the warm in your > > room, please control yourself. > > German campsite: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping > site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live > together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that > purpose. > > Rome laundry: Ladies, please leave your clothes here and spend the > afternoon having a good time. > > Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are > welcome to it. > > Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. > > Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger with heavy foot is in sight, > tootle > > the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles > your passage, then tootle him with vigor. > > Acapulco hotel: We are pleased to anounce that the manager has > personally > > passed all the water served here. > > TRANSLATED SIGNS > > Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read > as > > "Suffer from diarrhea." > > Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to > > find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use > for > > the "manure stick". > > Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an > American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux. > > The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was > translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will > feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." > > When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same > packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later > they > > learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of > > what's inside, since most people can't read English. > > Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a > notorious porno magazine. > > An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market > > which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), > the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). > > In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into > > "Schweppes Toilet Water." > > Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi > brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese. > > Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender > chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make > > a chicken affectionate." > > When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were > supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". > > Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) > meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and > make you pregnant". >

To: RCVJr who wrote (4349)	1/13/1998 3:06:00 AM
From: RCVJr	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?""You're going to die," she replied.

To: RCVJr who wrote (4349)	1/15/1998 1:01:00 AM
From: bob	Respond to of 62549

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body". He did not say "Eat Me". 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry". 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah god. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.