COMPILATION OF LEWINSKY / CLINTON JOKES
1. There is an unconfirmed report from Washington D.C. that about one month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would "go down" in
history.
2. What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in twenty minutes.
3. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
4. Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours?
Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
5. What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica
Lewinsky?
"They told me she was the "head" intern!"
6. What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.
7. What do Monica and Bill Clinton have most in common?
They're both going down.
8. Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all
over.
He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while.
9. What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at the
U.N?
Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"
10. How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander-in-Chief?
By barking out orders . . . like "Get Under the Desk!"
11. Don't feel sorry for Monica......
She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!
12. Why does Clinton think he's innocent?
Because he didn't inhale the intern!
13. Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the "Oral" Office.
14. How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would
have sex with Bill Clinton?
86% responded "Never again!"
15. During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky".
Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"
16. Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
He just bends over and sticks the pages!
17. Why does Bill drink so much coffee?
He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his
staff.
18. Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that harass was one word.
19. Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief
20. Why is the no proof?
She swallowed the evidence.
21. What was Bill's rationalization that oral sex is not a sexual
encounter?
Because Monica did not swallow!
22. Who's handling the case?
"Internal Affairs"
23. Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with
Monica Lewinsky?
President: Improper?
Ain't nothing improper about that.
That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had!
24. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
25. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's
testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
26. Why didn't Monica swallow?
Because that would be destruction of evidence.
27. Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?
Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
28. Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House
staff?
She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.
29. Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story?
He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.
30. Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl? The Denver Broncos or
the Green Bay Packers?
Bill Clinton.
31. What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to the Lewinsky
story?
Now I know why they kept calling Monica the "head" intern!
32. What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis?
"The Titanic" - because over 1500 interns went down on it.
33. What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
"Bush Beats Clinton"
34. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger.
35. How does Hillary feel?
She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST
36. What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on
January 22, 1998?
"Bill....Goats don't talk!!"
37. What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
They both heard a giant sucking sound!
38. President Clinton said to Monica: "I didn't tell you to lie in
deposition.I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
39. Realization of from another White House intern.."And all that time I
thought that humming was the shredder!"
40. When asked if he would resign from office, Clinton Said he would
"rather stick it out three more years".
41. Why did Clinton invite Lewinsky into the Oval Office?
He wanted to show her the "Executive Branch."
42. Did you hear that the N.R.A. has asked Congress to impose a five day
waiting period on blue passes for interns to the Oval Office? They want
Bill to have a "cooling off period !! "
43. Why did Monica stop having sex with Bill?
She heard he had Presidential Aids.
44. Clinton's motto: "eatin ain't cheatin"
45. Overheard between the President and Vernon Walters: "VERNON, THAT GIRL
COULD SUCK START A HARLEY-DAVIDSON"
46. The White House dog, Buddy, just called a Press conference.
He's going to have he President neutered.
47. What is the President's favorite game?
Swallow the Leader.
48. I heard that Monica Lewinsky's new job may be Director of the Head
Start Program.
49. What important speech is Bill Clinton giving on Tuesday, Jan. 27?
The State of the Erection Speech
50. Most people worry about getting "aids" from sex, but Bill worries about
getting sex from "aids"
51. What do Bill Clinton and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have lingerie half off!
52. Johnny Cochran's latest defense strategy for Slick Willie: If she
spit, you must acquit!
53. What's Slick Willie's new nickname?
President-erect.
54. What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a cod fish?
One blows the president and the other is a cod fish.
55. Clinton used to play the Saxophone...Now it's the HarMONICA!
56. Why is Clinton all of a sudden so interested in the Middle East?
He heard the Gaza Strip was an exotic dance club!
57. Did you hear about President Clinton's award nomination?
It's for the 1998 Nobel PIECE Prize.
58. Did you hear the new American slang term for oral sex?
"Hey honey, just BILL me!!!"
59. What do Monica Lewinsky and Sammy "The Bull" Gravano have in common?
They both coughed up the evidence.
60. What's the opposite of "politically - correct"?
"POLITICALLY - HONEST"!
61. What is Bill's Clinton's idea of "safe sex"?
A locked door.
62. Clinton still maintains he was not lying..he was standing and she was
kneeling.
63. What did Hillary say when Bill told her his side of the story?
"This one is hard to swallow."
64. Did you hear that Monica got honorable mention in her high school year
book?
She was voted most likely to "suck-seed."
65. Question for Pres. Clinton: "What was Monica's best feature?"
Answer: "She has the whitest teeth I've ever came across."
66. Why must Monica buy a bunch of new, larger hats?
Her affair with Bill has gone to her head.
67. How is Monica different than a Coke Machine?
She performs better when the "Bill" faces down.
68. Why is the press referring to it as Swallowgate?
Because it's a full blown crisis.
69. What do White House Interns and Saddam Hussein have in common?
Clinton wants to bring them both to their knees.
70. Why did Al Gore visit his urologist this week?
He developed a case of premature inauguration.
71. What position did Lewinsky hold in the White House?
She sat on the presidential staff.
72. What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite item in her wardrobe?
Knee pads.
73. What is Bill Clinton' favorite beer?
Busch!
74. What kind of security did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
Blew Pass.
75. It appears that Jennifer is not Clinton's favorite flowers, but rather,
he prefers Two Lips.
76. It's easy to see why Monica Lewinsky got a job at the Pentagon. She
was always sucking up to the Commander in Chief.
77. It's What did Clinton say to Hillary when she asked him what he wanted
for dinner?
Nothing dear, I'm eating out tonight!!
78. Who were Monica Lewinsky's favorite military personnel when she worked
at the Pentagon?
Seamen.
79. If Clinton resigns, Gore may still appoint him Chief of Staff.
80. Why did Monica Lewinsky have an affair with Bill Clinton?
She wanted to add "Sat on Presidential Staff" to her resume.
81. Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are driving in the Midwest,
when all of a sudden their car is swept up by a tornado. When they finally
come to rest, they find they have wound up in the land of Oz.
Quayle says, "Great, I'm going to the Emerald City, and ask the Wizard for
a brain".
Gingrich says, "I'll go with you, and ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "......Where's Dorothy?"
82. To the rhythm of Dr. Suess' "Sam, I Am" -- a little political humor:
Mr. Starr: Starr I are.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see..did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Mr. Clinton: I did not do that here or there.
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that near or far.
I did not do that Starr you are!
Mr. Starr: Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie when called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton: I do not like you Starr you are.
I think that you have gone way too far!
I will not answer any more.
Perhaps I will go start a war!
The public's easy to distract.
When bombs are falling on Iraq!
83. Psychiatrists and psychologists now think Clinton has a drug problem
because he has shown signs of being addicted to crack.
84. What do the Nixon White House and the Clinton White House have in
common?
Dicks out of control.
85. Optimistic Democrats tend to see the good in everything, and there are
four things about Monica for which they are thankful:
She's not underage.
She's not married.
She's not related.
She's a she.
86. Why was Monica allowed into the White House on Dec. 27, 1998?
The President needed to give her another gag order.
87. Which of Monica's body parts does Bill most enjoy looking at?
The top of her head.
88. Reporter to William Ginsburg: How is Ms. Lewinsky taking all the events
of the past two weeks?
Response: All this is has left a bad taste in her mouth.
89. How is Bill Clinton going to be remembered throughout history?
He's the president who's always after Bush....
90. Why do most Southern men believe that Monica and Bill did the deed?
Because we all know that fat girls give the best blow jobs!
91. Clinton and the Pope died on the same day and, due to some
administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent
to Hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check
their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that
it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is
called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for
Heaven.
On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why is that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
92. President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun
shimmering, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the
ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered
White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in
pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He
tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and
tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. "OK," says
Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real
bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know
who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is
the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the
Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's handwriting".
Mr HA HA Metals |
