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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: JakeStraw who wrote (4819)3/4/1998 12:47:00 PM
From: emidio  Respond to of 62549
 
> One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar
>for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At
>closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb
>and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat
>
>in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
>Everyone else left the bar and drove off.
>Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer
>
>was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and
>administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
>
>The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver
>replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
>



To: JakeStraw who wrote (4819)3/4/1998 12:56:00 PM
From: emidio  Respond to of 62549
 
Try this test

Mime-Version: 1.0
Date: Tue, 3 Mar 1998 13:02:10 -0500
To: Filth.&.Fun.For.My.Friends:;
From: Aaron deMello <aaron>
Subject: Sleaze Test

Try it, honesty is the best policy.

How Sleazy Are You?

1. Ever tried alcohol?
(1 point)

2. Ever been drunk?
(2 points)

3. Ever play drinking games?
(2 points)

4. Ever fall down because you drank too much?
(3 points)

5. Ever drink enough to throw up?
(4 points)
(bonus: Throwing up on another person -- 1 point)

6. Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before?
(5 points)

7. Ever been forcibly removed from a bar?
(8 points)

8. Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl?
(5 points)

9. Do you drink regularly/ at least 3 times a week?
(3 points)
(bonus: 1 point for each additional day -- max. 7 points)

10. Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar?
(4 points)

11. Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person?
(2 points)

12. Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune?
(1 point)

13. Ever try pot, hash, or magic mushrooms?
(4 points for each one tried)

14. Do you do drugs regularly?
(4 points)
(bonus: at least 4 times a week -- 4 points)

15. Ever bought "soft" drugs?
(4 points)

16. Ever sell drugs?
(8 points)

17. Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit?
(12 points)

18. Ever used barbituates?
(8 points)

19. Ever used hallucinogens?
(8 points)

20. Ever used narcotics?
(10 points)

21. Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours?
(8 points)

22. Ever been on a date?
(2 points)

23. Ever been felt up or groped?
(2 points)
(bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)

24. Ever had sexual intercourse?
(6 points)
(bonus: on first date -- 2 points)

25. Ever had a bath or shower with the opposite sex?
(5 points)

26. Ever paid for sex?
(8 points)

27. Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk?
(4 points)

28. Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and
succeed?
(8 points)

29. Ever engage in oral sex?
(4 points)
(bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)

30. Ever engage in anal sex?
(6 points)
(bonus: to orgasm -- 2 points)

31. Ever engage in the 69 position?
(4 points)

32. Ever contract an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease)?
(12 points)

33. Ever had sex without a contraceptive?
(4 points)

34. Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion?
(12 points)

35. Ever had sex with two or more partners in a week?
(4 points)

36. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
(9 points)

37. Ever had sex in a public place?
(6 points)

38. Ever had carpet burns as a result of a sexual act?
(4 points)

39. Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex?
(10 points)

40. Ever practiced bondage, masochism or sadism for sexual
gratification?
(8 points)

41. Ever used sex toys?
(6 points)

42. Ever pass out during sex?
(5 points)

43. Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity?
(4 points)

44. Ever masturbated while talking on the phone?
(3 points)

45. Ever bought something in a sex shop?
(3 points)

46. Ever licked or had someone lick
An eyeball -- 1 point
Toes -- 2 points
Ears -- 1 point

47. Ever had sex with a relative?
(5 points)

48. Ever make someone else sleep in the wet spot?
(6 points)

49. Does necrophilia, pedophilia or bestiality turn you on?
(20 points)

50. Ever ben arrested?
(8 points)
(bonus: If convicted -- 7 points)

Scoring:

0-20 A life with the church is too corrupt for you.

21-40 You barely make our scale.

41-60 Approaching normal. You aren't much fun on a date.

61-100 Normal. You use your right hand like everybody else.

101-130 Above average. You've got a few tricks below the belt.

131-160 You're enjoying life to the max!

161-200 You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?

200+ You're going straight to hell.

'Tolani Ogunleye
Leo Burnett
Phone:
0171 591 9546 - London
312 220 5984 - Chicago
E-mail:
tolani_ogunley@leoburnett.co.uk - London
tolani_ogunleye@chi.leoburnett.com - Chicago



To: JakeStraw who wrote (4819)3/4/1998 2:42:00 PM
From: Thomas Scharf  Respond to of 62549
 
>>a lot of people don't have time to scroll through 4,000+ posts << Sure, but many times you see the same joke posted several times within just a couple days. That means that they are just blindly spamming out jokes and not even keeping up with what is current on the thread. Those are the worst offenders.

But enough of this: We now return you to your regular programming of nothing but jokes. Pardon the interruption.


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