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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: bob who wrote (4861)	3/6/1998 11:46:00 AM
From: Chip Anderson	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62567

I'm Stuck with the Kids--A Frustrated Taxpayer Writes the IRS >[ Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that >needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good H&R Block tax >story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the >IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of >dependents, exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks >for itself. ] >Dear Sirs: >I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the >three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank >you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for >years. They are evil and expensive. >It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility >that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for >these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the >next year. >You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the >deduction. This year they are yours! >The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I >suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer >people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal >training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other >subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is >going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be >responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep >in mind that she has a truck. >It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of >appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle >or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a >boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the >universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to >occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the >face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always >uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this >in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who >had a rather good handle on the problem. >Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are >a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner >himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I >was wakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was >bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the >future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to >Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair >is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? >Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as >he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food >fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice >principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. >This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful >when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised >with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or >telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of >unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900>>and 976 umbers!) >Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared >quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 >going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears >tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny >Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the >pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is >expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it >yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are >denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the >other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of >terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty >understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley >girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I >don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her >roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her >voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one ofher >ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos >that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck >when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I >think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find >out what it is really made of. >You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get >to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the >youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am >free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for >counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two >girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military >academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as >I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the >$395 in additional tax and make a down payment on an airplane. >Yours Truly, >Bob >[ Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date. >"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions." Our >response, "Gee Bob, sometimes you just can't get a break." ] =================== Chip coolhistory.com Free Charts and Analysis of US Markets and Sectors