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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Steve LaRiviere who wrote (4883)	3/8/1998 2:44:00 AM
From: bob	Respond to of 62549

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper: Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me. After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants. He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover." "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!" "I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said. "What about being a good lover?" she asked. He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

To: Steve LaRiviere who wrote (4883)	3/8/1998 3:07:00 AM
From: bob	Respond to of 62549

t was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the firstperson came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about new law, promptly asked the man, "before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that, I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day and it WAS a crime of passion. So he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and lets the man enter. A few seconds later a third man comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "Ok. Picture this," says the man. I'm naked inside a refrigerator....