(From: Russ Howard Wednesday, Mar 18 1998 1:58AM EST
Reply # of 1005 )
"Wow. Uh, folks, that shapeless pulp that you are being forced to step over to reach the HNLY thread is what is left of that former comic, Jeff O."
Kudos' Russ,
You have renewed my faith that there other intelligent people on this thread. My compliments on your form--very nice.
As you can see, Jeff O. doesn't know when he's been obliterated--and that's no fun for me--I don't have the time to waste and neither does he. If I continue going back and forth with his lame comebacks, soon he will have plagiarized every issue of My Weekly Reader, and the joke section of Parade Magazine (isn't it bad enough he orders the slacks off the back cover?).
Plus , if I have to take five minutes to respond to him, that is less time in my day to think about my HNLY...and Jane.
I'm sure that future replies by me would send him scurrying down to the book store to glean his next post directly from the text of "Humorous insults that everyone has heard at least a million times since pre-puberty that you can still try to pass off as your own creation." (pub.1961) I hope there is still a copy left, after all those roasts given recently for prominent accountants, Shriners and funeral directors. I've got to admit, seeing Jeff O. Get circles run around him is alot of fun, but the boy has no game, and I'm getting bored. I feel like I'm fighting the Black Knight in "Monty Pythons Search for the Holy Grail", no matter how many appendages I hack off with my razor sharp wit, his limb-less torso lies there challenging me, claiming; "It's just a fleshwound!"
I am truly disappointed in Harper Lee for encouraging Jeff O. Unless I am mistaken, and this is truly a case of "Stupid Laughs as Stupid Says"--Harper--you should be ashamed of yourself! Your the kind of guy who likes to put his intellectually-challenged friends in situations purely for your own entertainment. That in itself is funny--so you obviously have some redeeming qualities, and a modicum of my respect.
We have all known "Harper Types" growing up. He was the kid on the playground that would get the other kids to kick in money to bet that his weird friend won't swallow a dead mouse, or a cat turd, or something equally as gross, and then he takes half the money for himself. I only hope he is that enterprising. I can't imagine there is someone out there who actually thinks Jeff O's post is amusing?
Harper "Stagger" Lee, please try and sleep this one off before making any of your equally lame posts... I know your still going through a bit of a depression since "Hee Haw!" was cancelled, and, between Viet Nam flashbacks, you are left with nothing to do but tending your stocks and chasing your sister around the cabin with a bottle of Everclear in one hand and a partially eaten turkey leg in the other.
I have also received several private messages concerning the fact that during the lull in activity with our beloved HNLY, the friendly exchange between myself JeffO., HarperLee, and most recently Angela, is disrupting the thread. I find it unfathomable that anyone could accuse me of disrupting this thread. My purpose in brainlashing JeffO. Is too get him to stop posting three page monuments to his lack of humor. His other posts are these one sentence cheerleading clinics that take up valuable connection time with no return to offer. To illustrate this I have taken the liberty of posting an excerpt from today's thread
RECENT EXERPT FROM HNLY THREAD
HarperLee: Good morning everyone--I want to make money today! Go HNLY!
Jeff O.: Me too! Yea HNLY!
HarperLee: What?
Jeff O. : I said Yea HNLY!
HarperLee: Oh...Yeah. Really! Hey tell the one about old lady's tits in the oatmeal--I love that one more every time I hear it. Bless Everyone! You sure killed Matt Black with that "if you want to pick on someone pick your nose instead" --man--You've got the gift Jeff! I love you man...I mean it man, I really love you. (Sound of banjo music;"Dueling Banjo's" )
RUSS HOWARD: Any word on next earnings report for HNLY?
Jeff O: GO HNLY! What is going on? Have you heard anything?
HarperLee: About What?
Jeff O: What?
HarperLee: What the hell are you talking about? I'm eating lunch!
Jeff O: Beats me...Go HNLY! What are you having?
Harper Lee: I had a large Pizza Delivered.
Jeff O: Great Idea! That's what I'm going to have too! How many pieces in a Large?
HarperLee: Twelve , I think. What difference does it make?
Jeff O: I'm going to have them cut it in Four pieces.
Harper Lee: What? What for?
JeffO.: Because I can't eat Twelve pieces!
HarperLee: OH MAN!!!I'm gonna piss my pants! Your Killin me!
Jeff O.: What? Whats so funny?
HarperLee: Hell if I know...I'm so trashed...GO HNLY!
ANGELA: Hello everyone...Hey, I just thought of a name for a baby I want to have someday. Its Matt Black.
Jeff O: Angela, are you stupid or what?
ANGELA: What?
HarperLee: You told us to remind you NOT TO NAME YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN "MATT!"
ANGELA: Oh crap! I forgot. Now I have to start all over..gotta go! GO HNLY!
Jeff O: Okay...GO HNLY!
HarperLee: What?
END OF THREAD
I rest my case. : My posts, at least, are well thought out, ORIGINAL (take note Jeff/Harper), and most important, FUNNY. These posts are meant to entertain the most sophisticated HNLY investors, as well as my new friends, one of whom, has declined to name any of her future children "Matt," in my honor. I do agree though , that too much of my time has been spent trying to find a worthy adversary in JeffO. Jeff, old pal, being thick is no crime. The rest of us try to help you when we can. We want you to make money like the rest of us. Why do you think there are companies out there that make those signs that say "THIS DOOR MUST REMAIN UNLOCKED DURRING BUSINESS HOURS"? This is so people like you can own stores too! I feel that poor Jeff is so overmatched that it is almost pathetic to watch him struggle to come up with his meager offerings, bolstered by the obviously alcohol-induced emotional support of his perennial yes-man, HarperLee. Between all this and trying to fend off advances by Angela, who has unsuccessfully tried to use "Reverse Psychology" to attempt to get me interested in fathering her future progeny, I have little time for my research, or to develop my budding relationship with Jane.
Message to Jeff O.:
Jeff, nice move! I particularly like the way you T R U C E after you posted several parting shots of your own. Now that I've had a chance to respond, I will accept your TRUCE/surrender and continue to lurk awaiting the day when our HNLY rockets to new highs. As you so aptly put it: GO HNLY!
Of course you know this is all in fun. Idiot.
(See what I did there?)
Anyway, thanks for your support Russ. I guess you have figured out by now that I was just using you as a conduit to JeffO, and Harper. I do appreciate your keen sense of humor.
Matt Black,
Going to bed before leaving for Philadelphia in the morning...but still dreaming of Jane. back Saturday.
PS. Reminder to Angela: DO NOT NAME YOUR FUTURE CHILDREN AFTER ME. |
