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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Wick who wrote (5286)	4/14/1998 1:11:00 PM
From: DScottD	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Real men answer C. to each of the following questions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding men and enriching your own life. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: > > > A. Present it to the President of the United States. > > > B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. > > > C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? > > > A. Innocence. > > > B. Idealism. > > > C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? > > > A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. > > > B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) > > > C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? > > > A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. > > > B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. > > > C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a homerun to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: > > > (1) He is legally within the base path, > > > (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and > > > (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: > > > A. A cat. > > > B. A dog. > > > C. A dog that eats cats. 6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? > > > A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. > > > B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. > > > C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? > > > A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. > > > B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. > > > C. Tell her what? 8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: > > > A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" > > > B. "They're in school already?" > > > C. "There are three of them?" 9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? > > > A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. > > > B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. > > > C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? > > >A. He was being tested. > > >B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. > > > C. He refused to ask for directions. 11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? >>>A. Democracy. >>>B. Religion. >>>C. Remote control.

To: Wick who wrote (5286)	4/15/1998 1:39:00 PM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A shipwreck in the South Pacific has only three survivors who wash ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals. One is Frenchman. One is an Englishman. One is a New Yorker. They are quickly captured by the natives and brought to the village where the tribal elders announce that the foreigners will be eaten for dinner and their skins will be used to build a new canoe for the warriors. As the Frenchman is dragged away kicking and screaming, he yells, "Viva La France!" As the Englishman is dragged away scratching and clawing, he screams, "God Save The Queen!" As the New Yorker is dragged away, he pulls out a switchblade and stabs himself repeatedly... shouting, "Fuck Your Canoe!" ******************************************************************** A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."