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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5313)	4/16/1998 9:40:00 PM
From: Denice	Respond to of 62549

To All, Yesterday......Today and Tomorrow There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension. One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, it aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone. The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversities, its burden, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control. TOMORROW's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW, for it is as yet unborn. This leaves only one day - TODAY - any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities - YESTERDAY and TMOMORROW that we break down. It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad - it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring. Let us, therefore, live one day at a time Yesterday is a cancelled check, tomorrow a promissory note, but today is cash, spend it wisely. Author (?) Denice

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5313)	4/17/1998 11:16:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

>> After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist >> Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: >> >> His obnoxious brother.............................Please Gogh >> His dizzy aunt ...................................Verti Gogh >> The brother who ate prunes........................Gotta Gogh >> The constipated uncle ............................Cant Gogh >> The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh >> The grandfather from Yugoslavia...................U Gogh >> The brother who bleached his clothes white........Hue Gogh >> The cousin from Illinois..........................Chica Gogh >> His magician uncle................................Wherediddy Gogh >> His Italian uncle.................................Day Gogh >> His Mexican cousin................................Amee Gogh >> The Mexican cousin's American half brother........Grin Gogh >> The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh >> The ballroom dancing aunt.........................Tan Gogh >> A sister who loved disco..........................Go Gogh >> The bird lover uncle..............................Flamin Gogh >> His nephew psychoanalyst..........................E Gogh >> The fruit loving cousin...........................Man Gogh >> An aunt who taught positive thinking..............Wayto Gogh >> The little bouncy nephew..........................Poe Gogh >> And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie Bay Gogh

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5313)	4/17/1998 4:52:00 PM
From: Miles Rhyne Hoffman, CFA	Respond to of 62549

SHIPWRECK Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg. > Ford screamed, "What should we do?" > Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats!" > Carter instructed, "Women and children first." > Nixon said, "Screw the women and children." > Clinton asked, "Do you think we have time?"

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5313)	4/23/1998 3:03:00 AM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

BURGER KING INTRODUCES LEFT-HANDED WHOPPER More than 32 Million Americans Could Benefit April 22, 1998 (AP) -- Burger King Corporation today announced the launch of the new Left-Handed WHOPPER, which will become available nationwide tomorrow. America's most preferred premium hamburger will feature the trademark build of lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles, mayonnaise, ketchup and 4-ounce flame broiled hamburger patty, but the newly designed sandwich has been re-engineered to fit more comfortably in the left hand, thereby reducing condiment "spills" for left-handed hamburger lovers. It is estimated that more than 1.4 million left-handed customers visit U.S. Burger King restaurants each day. The new left-handed sandwich will have all condiments rotated 180 degrees, thereby redistributing the weight of the sandwich so that the bulk of the condiments will skew to the left, thereby reducing the amount of lettuce and other toppings from spilling out the right side of the burger. The exact method of rotation is a closely held proprietary secret, and Burger King officials would not allowed it to be viewed by members of the press. "We have always been proud of the fact that we offered 1,024 ways to order our flagship WHOPPER sandwich. Now we are offering 1,025 ways. It's the ultimate 'HAVE IT YOUR WAY' for our left-handed customers," said Jim Watkins, senior vice president for marketing for Burger King Corporation. It is estimated that approximately 13 percent of the U.S. population (or 32.5 million people) is left-handed, making this consumer group one of the largest--and one of the most over-looked--minority segments in the country. The new left handed WHOPPER will be launched in a full-page ad in USA TODAY on Thursday. Initially, the Left-Handed WHOPPER will only be available in the U.S., however, the company is considering plans to roll it out to other countries with large left-handed populations. Industry analyst, Myron Katz, expressed doubt about Burger King's latest offering. "The new left-handed WHOPPER will probably be a dismal failure like last year's left-handed straws." Jim Watkins countered his claim by explaining that "the left-handed straw campaign failed because it was 'too successful.' It's a well know fact that lefties tend to hoard left-handed items. When word got out on the streets, we were literally swamped with lefties at all of our locations. It was impossible to re-tool the straw factories quickly enough to meet the demand for left-handed straws, so we cancelled the campaign and used the resources to fund this year's Mr. Potato Head promotion." Burger King Corporation and its franchisees operate more than 9500 restaurants in all 50 states and in 56 countries and international territories around the world. In fiscal year 1997, Burger King had systemwide sales of $9.8 billion. Burger King Corporation is a subsidiary of Diageo plc, one of the world's largest branded consumer products businesses.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (5313)	4/23/1998 3:08:00 AM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF: 1. You can name everyone you graduated with 2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home 3. You know what 4-H is 4. You ever went to "headlight parties" 5. You used to drag "main" 6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour 7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't 8. You ever went cow-tipping 9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties 10. You have parties at the same guy's house 12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events 13. The town social events are their children's 14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow) 15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them 16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut 17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade 18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming 19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself 20. No place sells gas on Sunday 21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10) 22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks 23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town 24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date 25. You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog 26. You had senior skip day 27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation 28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street 30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)