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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5329)	4/20/1998 2:11:00 PM
From: Bryan Steffen	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Three parish priests are having lunch one day and decided they could trust each other enough to confess their worst vices. The first priest says, "I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes, I take money from the offering." The other two priests let out a gasp, and after recovering from the shock of this confession, the second priest admits, "I must confess that I am carrying on an affair with the wife of one of my parishoners." Again the other two react with shock, and after an awkward pause the third priest speaks up with a slight quiver in his voice: "I must admit to you, my brothers, that my worst vice is the sin of gossip, and I can't wait to get back to the parish!"

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5329)	4/21/1998 1:03:00 PM
From: S K	Respond to of 62549

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them inthe air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. Hecalled his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "According to smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!" =============================================================== A couple has their first child, a little boy. As he grows older, he shows allthe signs of normal development but fails to begin speaking. They take him to all sorts of doctors and specialists, who confirm that he apparently understands everything said to him and displays an intelligent perception of his surroundings and circumstances. Yet he never utters a single word, and years of effort fail to correct the problem. One day, when he is about eighteen years old, the family is seated around the dinner table. The son takes one bite of his casserole and says, "Egads, mother! Are you trying to poison me? This stuff tastes like you scraped it off a compost heap!" The parents are stunned for a moment, and then exclaim, "Son! You can speak! For eighteen years you've never uttered a word, and now you speak!" The son nonchalantly replies, "Well, up until now, everything's been OK." ============================================================== 6)Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5329)	4/21/1998 1:05:00 PM
From: S K	Respond to of 62549

The Young Gunslinger It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west. The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your lefthand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Mr. Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . " The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer. =====================================================================

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5329)	4/21/1998 1:06:00 PM
From: S K	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Three men, a Newfoundlander, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking along a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road. One of them picked it up and rubbed the lamp and out pops a Genie. The Genie says, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are 3 of you, each of you will get one wish." The Newfoundlander thinks a bit and responds, "I am a fisherman, my father was a fisherman, and my grandfather and great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I wish for the oceans to be filled with fish." The Genie grants him his wish. POOF! The oceansare filled with fish. The Quebecer jumps in and says, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec." POOF! The Genie grants the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall is erected all around Quebec. It is now the Albertans turn. He thinks for some time before responding, "How big is this wall around Quebec?" "The wall is 150 feet high and fifty feet thick." replies the Genie. "And nothing can get in or out of the wall." "Ok, fill it up with water!" wishes the Albertan.