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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:20:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

Gothcha!

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:27:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

Did you see this one? #reply-4138410 From Prairie [sp?] Home Companion radio show with Garrison Keeler.

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:32:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:33:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:35:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

A father brings his son, who has just turned 21, to a bar for his first drink. However, the son is just a head (no arms, legs, torso, etc.). The father orders a beer for the head and after the son drinks the beer an arm miraculously appears on the head. The father orders a second beer and a second arm appears. The father keeps ordering beers for his son until now the head has all his body parts except one leg. The father then orders one more beer for his son and after the son drinks it - Poof the son disappears. The father is a panic asks the bartender what happened to his son. The bartender replies: "He should have quit why he was still a head." ;-)

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 8:41:00 PM
From: Nazbuster	Respond to of 2733

ACRONYMS AND COLLOQUIALISMS #reply-4201648

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/24/1998 11:55:00 PM
From: Wizzer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

OK, first time participant. I'll start of with a lame one. A snail walks into a car dealership and says he'll take the car on display on two conditions. The dealer says "Fine on what conditions". The snail says, "I want it painted bright red". Dealer says "Fine, no problem, what's the second one." The snail says "He wants a letter 'S' in bright yellow painted on either side of the car". Dealer says, "Why". Snail says, "When I'm driving, I want everyone to say, 'look at that S car go!" Get it escargot. Yeah, it was lame.

To: Vanni Resta who wrote (224)	4/25/1998 12:07:00 AM
From: Wizzer	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

OK, number 2 attempt. A guy in a bar walks up to the bartender and says to him, "I bet you 100 bucks that if you put a glass on the bar, I'll be able to piss in it from 5 feet away without spilling a single drop". The bartender looks at the guy, sees that he is very drunk and says, "Sure I'll take that bet". He places a glass on the bar, the guy climbs up on the bar, pulls down his zipper and starts to piss. The guy is pissing all over the place, pissing on the bar, pissing on the bartender, and the bartender is laughing his head off at how the guy didn't even get one drop in the glass. The guy gets off the bar, and says "Here is your $100" and walks away smiling. A person watching what was going on walks up to the guy and say, "You just lost a $100 on a bet, why are you smiling?" The guy says, "You see those 4 guys at the table over there" and points to the table. "I just bet them $100 each that I could piss all over the bartender and he'd be laughing his head off".