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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5400)	4/28/1998 11:06:00 PM
From: bob	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

An old guy goes to the doctor for his annual exam, and the doctor returns with bad news. The doctor says, "Well, I am sorry to inform you of this, but you have cancer and you have Alzheirmer's. There is nothing we can do." The man says, "It could be worse. At least I don't have cancer." *************************************************************** When Jacques Cousteau was alive and on one of his deep sea explorations, he discovered a rare tuna fish that lived at great depths. Upon further examination, it was discovered that the tuna's vagina smelled exactly like a human finger! ********************************************************** OK, here we go...... 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 4. How many outs are there in an inning? 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark? 11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh? 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 13. What was the President's name in 1960? NO CHEATING ** So how do you think you did? Here are the answers.... 1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 2. One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow! 6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60. 7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed. 9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark? 11. Meat...that is self-explanatory. 12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen! 13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. So, how did you do? 13 correct....GENIUS....you are good! 10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head 7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average? 4-6 correct....SLOW....pay attention to the question 1-3 correct....IDIOT....what else can I say 0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!! .__________________________.

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5400)	4/29/1998 9:20:00 AM
From: S K	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

>> > A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman >> behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!" >> > "But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank." >> > "Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts. >> > The woman, now terrified, opens the safe. >> > "Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says. >> > "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.. >> > "Just drink it or I'll shoot!" >> > The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take another bottle and drink it." >> > "But sir, I just drank one!" >> > "Drink another one or I'll shoot you!" >> > The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. >> > When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband. >> > "Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"

To: Rich Dee who wrote (5400)	4/30/1998 2:37:00 PM
From: S K	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Q: What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it. Q: How is a woman like a condom ? A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in. Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike ? A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly ? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants ? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Q: Why do women have two sets of lips ? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ? A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you. Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist ? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ? A: Wiped his ass. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead ? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party ? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good ? A: Put a nipple on it. Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ? A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley ? A: You push it to the side before you start eating.