A Whole Bunch of Jokes
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike ?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly ?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants ?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips ?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist ?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?
A: Wiped his ass
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley ?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
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A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the
road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP!
HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
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What's furry, green, and smells like pussy?
The pool table in the Oval Office.
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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
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With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says
"not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the
mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do
we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it.
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"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?" said the other man.
"How much memory does it take up?" "Very little," replied the first man. "Just two bytes."
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A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots
downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
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Husband to wife: "Well, I'll say this. When they start requesting a blonde baby sitter instead of a brunette, they're old enough to stay home alone."
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