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To: Garfield who wrote (5558)5/13/1998 2:18:00 AM
From: Gary H  Respond to of 62567
 
ANALOGIES YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND IN GREAT LITERATURE

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door
open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a
six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr.
on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had

also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)




To: Garfield who wrote (5558)5/13/1998 2:20:00 AM
From: Gary H  Respond to of 62567
 
THE NAME GAME

Just imagine if the following people got married...

* If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
* If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
* If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
* If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
* If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, (hey! it's the '90's!)
he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
* If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
* If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.
* If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
* If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
* Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
* If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.
* How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou,
he'd be Boog Alou.
* If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him
to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
* Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other
name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he
married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes
Dare.
* If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a
little longer to get)
* If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar

King.
* If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
* If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood
Peck Hur.
* If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back
in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers
Lucky Short Guy."




To: Garfield who wrote (5558)5/13/1998 2:22:00 AM
From: Gary H  Respond to of 62567
 
HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF
MICROSOFT WERE LOCATED IN GEORGIA

1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a
Hefty bag and some duct tape
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you
the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git"
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos"
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an Outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot
Scootin' Boogie"
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
12. Daisy Duke screen saver
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard"
presentation template
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face
with a 12 gauge shotgun
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or
so"
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics
werkt 4 me"




To: Garfield who wrote (5558)5/13/1998 2:28:00 AM
From: Gary H  Respond to of 62567
 
IT'S A HURRICANE!

A guy died and went to heaven. It was a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter said, "I'm not very busy
today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thought it was a great idea and graciously accepted the
offer. St. Peter showed him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and
finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The newcomer asked, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explained, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how
much time he has left to live. When a clock runs out of time, the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
Our friend thought it made sense, but noticed that some of the
clocks are going faster than others; he asked why.
St. Peter explained, "Every time a living person has sex, it speeds
their clock."
This also made sense, so the guy took one last look around the room
before leaving. He noticed one clock in the center of the ceiling. On
this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. He asked,
"What's the story with THAT clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replied, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."



To: Garfield who wrote (5558)5/13/1998 2:44:00 AM
From: Gary H  Respond to of 62567
 
Subject: FW: Dam Builders
>
> > This was the letter sent by and actual reply to the Michigan
> > Department of Environmental Quality.
> >
> > -----Original Message-----
> > STATE OF MICHIGAN
> > Reply to:
> > GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE
> > STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR
> > 350 OTTAWA NW
> > GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341
> > JOHN ENGLER, Governor
> > DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY
> > HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473,
> > LANSING MI 48909-7973
> > INTERNET: deq.state.mi us
> > RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director
> >
> > December 17, 1997
> > CERTIFIED
> > Mr. Ryan DeVries
> > 2088 Dagget
> > Pierson, MI 49339
> >
> > Dear Mr. DeVries:
> >
> > SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N,
> > R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
> >
> > It has come to the attention of the Department of
> > Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized
> activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
> >
> > Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
> > across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued
> prior to
> > the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's
> files
> > shows that no permits have been issued.
> >
> > Therefore, the Department has determined that this
> > activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
> the
> > Natural Resource and
> > Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
> being
> > sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
> annotated.
> > The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
> partially
> > failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
> > downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
> inherently
> > hazardous and cannot be permitted.
> >
> > The Department therefore orders you to cease and
> desist
> > all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the
> stream to
> > a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
> dams from
> > the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
> later
> > than January 31, 1998.
> >
> > Please notify this office when the restoration has
> been
> > completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by
> our
> > staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further
> unauthorized
> > activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
> elevated
> > enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full
> > cooperation in this matter.
> >
> > Please feel free to contact me at this office if you
> have
> > any questions.
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > David L. Price
> > District Representative
> > Land and Water Management Division
> >
> >
> > ----Reply Letter----
> >
> > Dear Mr. Price:
> >
> > Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
> > Montcalm County
> >
> > Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been
> handed to
> > me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a
> lot of
> > people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will,
> > therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.
> >
> > First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal
> > landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am
> the
> > legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
> > process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
> across the
> > outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
> > While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam
> > project, I think they would be highly offended you call their
> skillful use
> > of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge
> you to
> > attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam
> place you
> > choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could
> ever
> > match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
> ingenuity,
> > their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
> > ethic.
> >
> > As to your dam request the beavers first must fill
> out a
> > dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first
> dam
> > question to you is: are you going to discriminate against my Spring
> Pond
> > Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to
> conform
> > to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these
> > particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those
> other
> > applicable beaver dam permits.
> >
> > Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
> violation of
> > Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,of the Natural Resource and
> > Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
> being
> > sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws
> annotated.
> >
> > My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers
> entitled to
> > dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
> > destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the
> State
> > will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
> >
> > The Department's dam concern that either one or both
> of
> > the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is
> proof
> > we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
> harassing
> > them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream
> "restored" to
> > a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are
> going
> > to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your
> dam
> > letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their
> dam
> > Miranda rights first.
> >
> > As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding
> or
> > dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.If you want
> to hurt
> > these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter
> and
> > this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all
> dams of
> > this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their
> existence
> > in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively
> enforcing
> > this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers
> will
> > scream prejudice!
> >
> > In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a
> > right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is
> blue, the
> > grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right
> than I
> > to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are
> > concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated
> enforcement
> > action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be
> under
> > the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam
> staff to
> > contact/harass them then.
> >
> > In conclusion, I would like to bring to your
> attention a
> > real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually
> defecating
> > in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
> > defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going
> to
> > investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
> careful
> > where they dump!)
> >
> > Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
> being
> > unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending
> this
> > response to your dam office.
> >
> > Sincerely,
> >
> > Stephen L. Tvedten
> > xc: PETA