LAWYER JOKES -
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer it the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure
. out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer
walking
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the
truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he
would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back
away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where
the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see
anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost
hit
that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar
bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
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It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer
with his hands in his own pockets.
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A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully
steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your
third
question?"
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck
up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot
me.'"
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For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant
on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby
would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
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