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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Galirayo who wrote (5691)	6/2/1998 10:50:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

I believe this is what you are looking for: A farmer bought several sheep, hoping to breed them for lamb meat and wool. After several weeks, he noticed that none of the sheep were getting pregnant and called a vet for help. The vet told the farmer that they were all females so he should try artificial insemination. The farmer didn't have the slightest idea what this meant, but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asked the vet how he would know when the sheep were pregnant. The vet told him that they would stop standing around bleating and would instead all lie down in a group. The farmer hung up and gave this some thought. He came to the conclusion that artificial insemination meant that he had to impregnate the sheep. So, he loaded the sheep into his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with them all, brought them back and went to bed. Next morning, he woke up and looked out at the sheep. Seeing that they all were still standing around bleating, he concluded that the first try didn't take, and so loaded them into the truck again. He drove them out to the woods, banged each sheep twice for good measure, brought them back and went to bed. Next morning, he awakened to find the sheep still standing around bleating. One more try, he told himself, and proceeded to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spent all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, fell exhausted into bed. The next morning, he could not even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asked his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep were lying down in a group. "No," she said, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

To: Galirayo who wrote (5691)	6/2/1998 10:52:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

If Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had died on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!! "Sorry Dolly" says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." (something about car-pole-tunnel syndrome)

To: Galirayo who wrote (5691)	6/2/1998 10:57:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

I know it's been around a few times, but I haven't seen it here. These are the sort of jokes the people over on the Boink thread would like. One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinnochio, things must be going pretty good with the girls," to which Pinnochio replied "Girls, who needs girls?!?"

To: Galirayo who wrote (5691)	6/2/1998 11:00:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!"! An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table. and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ... but what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my f##king life!" ====================== # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. 6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." ====================== # 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." ====================== # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ====================== # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said"Turn around". ====================== # 1 This one made it No.1 in just 1 day !!!! What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night ? Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"