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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:20:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

Recently, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cailini (Playboy's 1996 Playmate of the Year) and Stacey Sanchez (1997 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of, uh, joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them "AS ROLE MODELS" for young women to stay up on current affairs. Following are the sad results: Q1: Who is the President of Russia? Julie: "Gorbachev." Stacey: "Gretzky." (correct answer: Boris Yeltsin) Q2: Define the meaning of "NAACP." Julie: "Something, something, for Certified Pianists." Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization." (correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People) Q3: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb? Julie: "...I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the lightbulb guy." Stacey: "I don't know." (correct answer: Thomas A. Edison; Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy) Q4: Who is the Speaker of the House? Julie: "Gore something-or-other." Stacey: "Bill Clinton." (correct answer: Newt Gingrich) Q5: Define the meaning of the "CIA." Julie: "I don't know." Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association." (correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency) Q6: What is the center of our solar system? Julie: "The Equator." Stacey: "The Moon." (correct answer: The Sun) [Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what he termed "industry related" questions:] Q7: What do the initials "DK" stand for? A: Both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan." Q8: What is "Cristal?" A: Each knew it was both an elite champagne and a premium vodka. Q9: What car company has a model known as a "911?" A: Both knew it was Porsche. Q10: Who's face is on the U.S. $100 bill? A: Bboth knew it was Benjamin Franklin.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:23:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?" Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct Miss Johnson," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:26:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:27:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

Clinton and Al Gore went hunting one day. As they were driving, Gore saw this huge bull deer. He said to Clinton: "Hey look at that one!" Clinton replied "keep going." Next they came to a giant buck deer with a humongus rack, Gore said "what about that one Mr. President?" Clinton repiled "keep going". So a little while later, as they were driving, Clinton spots this poor pitiful looking doe on the side of the road. Clinton shouts: "STOP THE CAR!!! STOP THE CAR!!" So the driver stops the car.. Clinton jumps out, and grabbing his rifle, shoots the poor thing deader than a doorknob. Gore hops out behind Clinton, and glances at the dead thing, then asks Clinton; "Why did you kill it?!" Clinton replied: "You ought to know me by now, I always pass the buck, and go for the doe."

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:30:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

This is an old one. If you start to recognize it, I suggest you click the "Next" button quickly. A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an A#$HOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-@#$@%!". Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "making an obscene clone fall..."

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:31:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

This one is worth reading, even if you do recognize it. A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache & told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued & said she was going to take some aspirin & go to bed, & there was no reason of his good time being spoiled by him not going. So he took his costume & away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without a pain & as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party & soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could & copping a little feel here & a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him & being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high & dry & devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear & she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars & done their little duty. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away & went home & put the costume away & got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing, You know I never have a good time when your not there". Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown & some guys, so we went into the den & played poker all evening. But I'll tell you -- the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:34:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING by Francie Baltazar-Schwartz Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone asked him how he was doing, he'd reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you're never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live. "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes I read, "'He's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. "'Yes,'" I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "'Bullets!'" Over their laughter, I told them, "'I'm choosing to live. Operate on me as if I'm alive, not dead.'" Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. You have two choices now: 1. save or delete this mail from your mail box. 2. forward it to your dear ones (excluding me) and choose life. I hope, you will choose choice 2.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5703)	6/3/1998 12:37:00 AM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

WHAT IF DR. SUESS DID TECHNICAL WRITING? (These work best when reading if you can get a little beat going) If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.