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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Robert Floyd who wrote (5723)	6/3/1998 7:27:00 PM
From: Joseph Strohsahl	Respond to of 62549

> > > HOW OLD AM I (PG13) > > > > >A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends > > >$5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home > > >he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to > > >the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you > > >think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. > > > > > >"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. > > > > > >After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order > > >taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". > > > > > >"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. > > > > > >While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same > > >question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is > > >going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a > > >mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes > > >I will be able to tell your exact age." > > > > > >As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let > > >her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady > > >says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." > > > > > >Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" > > > > > >The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds." > > ========================================================== > > >>Two gay guys decided to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have > > a > > > > >>surrogate mother artificially inseminated. > > > > >> When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen > > babies > > > > >>are > > > > >>in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One over in the > > > > >>corner, is > > > > >>smiling serenely. > > > > >> A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the > > > > >>happy > > > > >>child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Bruce exclaims. "All these > > > > >>unhappy > > > > >>children, and ours is so happy." > > > > >> The nurse says, He's happy now. But just wait until we take > > the > > > > >>pacifer > > > > >>out of his ass." > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------->> > Peanuts > > An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to > attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients > to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. > > The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just > before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, > the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. > When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" > and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were > well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, > "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. > > Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get > a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going > on. > > The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What > happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some > guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!" > > > >