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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5729)	6/3/1998 10:23:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you and do Anything you want." Again the boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for one week, and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends. But, a talking frog is really cool.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5729)	6/3/1998 10:24:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

And...in my continuing effort to provide the most relevant, up to date, timely humor, I offer the following... Seems now we have had 2 "Tricky Dicks" in the White house. Most people get Aids from sex, Clinton gets sex from aides. If we had as many tax cuts as Clinton has had affairs, we'd all bring home a full paycheck. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. What's the new game they're playing in the White House? Swallow the Leader. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff" In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again" What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? Fornigate.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5729)	6/3/1998 10:25:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. He normally did not go for more than two to three days without playing at least nine holes. But then one time it rained for three weeks and the preacher was so distraught, he could not concentrate on anything but the weather. He woke up early on Sunday morning and the sun was shining without a cloud in the sky. He thought, "If I go to the golf course right now, I can get nine holes in, get back, shower and shave, be back in time to give my sermon at church, and no one will ever know." So, he jumped in his car (the golf clubs were already in the trunk) and rushed to the golf course. As he was teeing off on the first hole, the devil looked down and said to God, "Isn't that your faithful servant playing golf on Sunday morning?" "Yes." God replied. "Do you approve of him playing golf on Sunday?" The devil taunted. "No." "Well, arn't you going to do something about it?" "Yes." Just then the preacher teed off, the ball went straight down the fairway, hit the green, bounced against the pin, and dropped into the hole. The devil said excitedly, "I thought you said that you were going to do something about it, and here you let him hit a hole-in-one!" God calmly replied, "Yes, but who is he going to tell about it?"

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5729)	6/3/1998 10:27:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

This is kind of old also, but ... You all know about the Darwin Awards : It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in an extraordinarily stupid way. The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed. And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard. One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primaryapproach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.