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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5774)	6/8/1998 9:53:00 PM
From: manny t	Respond to of 62549

A woman gets off a bus with one of her breasts exposed.A man seeing this goes to her and says "Lady,do you know that one of your breasts is sticking out?" She screams out ,"Oh my God , i left my baby on the bus!!!"

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5774)	6/8/1998 10:23:00 PM
From: Arthur Radley	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A survey of women attending a meeting to protest deceptive packaging of commercial products revealed that 20% of them tinted their hair; 38% wore wigs;50% wore rouge; 98% wore lipstick; 60% wore eye shadow; 22% wore false eyelashes; 93% used nail polish; 6% used false fingernails; 8% had their teeth capped; and 45% wore girdles. AND 100% of them voted in favor of a resolution condemning any kind of false packaging.

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5774)	6/9/1998 5:08:00 PM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62549

Jack, Another version... _________________________ Subject: Humor: Microsoft Panhandler 97 (Beta) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday at the Comdex Trade show the introduction of a new product for the Windows Operating System: Microsoft Panhandling. "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit with very little initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times. "Subsequently, I have asked our Microsoft engineers to work around the clock to complete my vision of pan handling for the 21st century.", Gates said. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. Microsoft, as many know, is stinking rich company. "As a core OS product, Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95 and Windows NT, and all our future Windows OS products. We envision that at random intervals, a dialog box will pop up, asking the user if they could spare any change. This is so that Microsoft employees have enough money to get a hot meal." "We have to feed our destiny to dominate this industry. No longer will our employees be treated to warm carbonated beverages, and stale junk food. They deserve better, and now get an opportunity to rise above their status as nourishment challenged." said Mr. Gates. "Don't tell Mr. Gates I said this, but it's a small lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "We do like our diet of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little to make their point? We need to strengthen our case with good marketing. After all, it's for a good cause." You can tell that these guys at Microsoft sure have been working overtime on this. Here's how it works: When asked by Windows95 or WinNT, the user can click "Yes" on the occasional panhandling query, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $1.50 is transferred via EFT to Microsoft's bank account. Microsoft Money users will have the added benefit of integration that enables these transactions to be tracked via the new MS Money "Charitable Gifts" built-in features. The user can also respond "Cancel" , in which case the program calls them cheap and toggles 13 bits at random on the their disk (but not in their Windows directory). It then politely tells the user to have a nice day. A "No" button has not yet been implemented, but is serious future product consideration. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years, and certainly by end of this century. Who wants to say no, anyway?" The "NO" button is reportedly being designed with ActiveX automation, due in Windows 05 (that's 2005....). The "No" button would just exit cleanly from the donation's request prompt, with no other action taken. Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. Be on the lookout for products like: Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, Microsoft Assault, which destroy's Netscape Navigator's Internet Explorer URL Bookmark list unless you fork over $2.50/URL. Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows95 windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guyships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison."I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money." Gates responded with, "Gee, a great idea for our Windows 98/IE browser....."

To: Jack Colton who wrote (5774)	6/9/1998 5:12:00 PM
From: SJS	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Hidden Excel 95 Developers... ______________________________ 1. Open Excel with a blank worksheet 2. Scroll down to row 95 3. Click on the number 95 to select the row 4. Press TAB once to select column B 5. Select Help from the pull down menu at the top of the window 6. Click on the last selection in that menu, called "About Microsoft Excel" 7. Hold down CTRL+ALT+SHIFT as you click on the "Tech. Support" button 8. A window labelled "Hall of Tortured Souls" will appear. 9. Use the arrow keys to move up the stairs in front of you to see the names of the software engineers that wrote Excel. 10.Go back down the stairs and type: excelkfa 11.The back wall disappears and a winding path appears. 12 Navigate down the path to see pictures of the "tortured souls." [Hit ESC and start again if you fall off the path - its very tricky]