>>>The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
>>>passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to
crash and they are all going to die.
>>>At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
>>>can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal,strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.
>>>Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
>>>She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk
>>>up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
>>>He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make
>>>you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
>>>She shakes her head yes.
>>>As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,"And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
>throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
>about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
>tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
>
>He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
>I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
>on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
>Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy,and you'll keep me happy".
>
>The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
>
>That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
>>From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
>fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
>
>Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
>the captain.
>
>"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
>
>"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
>get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
>
>"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing
his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began
walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he
was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500
meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent
and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However,
would you like to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there
is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With
his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in
here without a tie!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these three guys that all worked together in a factory. Every
day they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. One day they
decide when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss leaves and so do they. The first guy goes home and goes to rest
so he can get an early start the next morning. The second guy goes home
and cooks dinner. The third guy goes home and walks into his bedroom. He
opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts
the door and leaves.
The next day the first two guys are talking about going home early again.
They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says,
"No." They ask him why not and he says, "Because yesterday I almost got
caught!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they
came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were
at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out
the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where
archaeologists from all over the world came to study the
ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to
discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the
markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at
the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can
judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how
to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement
you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the
soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which
means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of
their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a
famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be
the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with
our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the
room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what
the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows
that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to
left... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapped Lips
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store
when a cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked
around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on
its rectum.
One of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ |
