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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: HEXonX who wrote (5833)	6/15/1998 4:35:00 PM
From: Jack Colton	Respond to of 62549

Another Oldie but Goldie: This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is to be referred to as: the"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's cubicle and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS. I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "Here stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSH and ISO audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated, "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS!"

To: HEXonX who wrote (5833)	6/15/1998 9:06:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Try These Jokes Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: --------------------------------------- \| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 \| \| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 \| \| Hand Job: $10.00 \| --------------------------------------- Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated. French Gynecologist :~ " Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.~ " English Gynecologist :~ Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was. French Gynecologist :~ " Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavour..."