An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked
the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn
so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
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Q: What's a yankee? A: It's like a quickie, but you do it to yourself.
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Q: Know how to get a dog to quit humping your leg?
A: Tape a picture of Janet Reno to your kneecap.
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At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY
naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out,
the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help
you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture
of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle
has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting.
The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow
in the middle went home for lunch!"
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Early afternoon opening time at a bar. The bartender is polishing glasses when a mouse walks in, jumps up on the stool and orders a beer. Pretty soon in walks the second customer of the day, a lady giraffe. The little mouse starts eyeing her and soon he gets a little bolder and asks the bartender to serve up two martinis at her end of the bar. The bartender does this and soon notices the mouse on the stool next to the giraffe. The afternoon crowd starts coming in and the bartender gets busy and doesn't really notice when the mouse and the giraffe leave together.
The next day, the bartender is setting up, polishing glasses as he has just unlocked the door for the days business. In comes the same little mouse just barely dragging his ass across the floor and struggles up onto a stool. The bartender looks and him and says "Damm Mr. Mouse you look like you've had it!"
The mouse snaps back, "Had it...Had it...between the fucking and the kissing I must have run three hundred miles!"
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The drunk stumbled into a podiatrist's office, mistaking it for a
whorehouse.The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out.
So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants, and
stuck his dick through the screen.The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments."That's not a foot!" she screamed.
The drunk replied, "Sshorry, lady! I didn't know there was a minimum!!"
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Whenever I displayed the same strength of character at home
as I did at work, my wife said I am, "stubborn."
I think I still have the knot on my head from when she said, "I've changed my mind." and I said,
I've given up trying to win any argument with my wife. It
always costs me more to console her than it would if I would
have given-in in the first place.
Remember back in the 60's when women were first getting into
politics. The argument was put forth they had no experience
in parliamentary procedure. Wrong ! Most wives had been the
"Speaker of the House" even back then.
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A dutiful son reluctantly decides he has to put his father in a nursing
home. As he was leaving, he asked the floor nurse to make sure his
father was comfortable that first night and tips her generously. The
nurse, who was both gorgeous and very dedicated to her job, checked on the old man that night as he had just gotten into bed. As she tucked him in, she noticed his stiffening erection under the sheet. Noticing his
condition, the nurse asks if the old man would like some help with it.
Having been without sex for many years, the old man quickly agrees, and the nurse climbs aboard him and satisfied him in ways he forgot were possible. He fell asleep thoroughly happy and content.
The next day, his son comes to visit and is told by his father how happy
he is to be at the nursing home. The son is ends the visit feeling
relieved that the placement is working out so well.
That night, the old man fell down as he was getting ready for bed fell
and was struggling back to his feet. Just at that moment, a 6'4" orderly
named Buck was passing by the old man's room and noticed the old man's naked rear end in the air as he tried to stand up. Now Buck had recently been released from prison and seeing the old man reminded him of some of his favorite prison memories when someone would drop the soap, if you know what I mean. Buck comes into the old man's room, locks the door, and savagely has his way with the old man's rear end.
When his son visits the next day, the old man tells him that he hates the
nursing home and wants to leave right away. Not understanding why the old man would love the place one day and hate it the next, the son asks for an explanation. The old man relates all the raptures of his first
night and the horrors of his second night.
After hearing the story, the son reflects on how difficult it was to find
a nursing home he could afford, and tells his father he must learn to
take the good with the bad.
The old man responds, "Good with the bad? I get it up once a year - I
fall down three times a day!"
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