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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Jack Colton who wrote (6013)	6/29/1998 12:08:00 AM
From: Ian@SI	Respond to of 62551

...incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. ... This act will create immense unemployment. Frequently, it appears that the ratio is currently much higher than that proposed by the new law. :-)

To: Jack Colton who wrote (6013)	6/29/1998 1:18:00 AM
From: Craig Richards	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Bhagavad-Gita __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Koran __ Communist Manifesto __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Torah __ Other sources (specify): _____________ 2. Which model God did you acquire? __ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy GhostTriplet __ Jehova __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan __ God __ G_d __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: ____ 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of murder by a missionary __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Odin __ Cthulhu __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ The Bomb __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other: _____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Windows 98 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water (except Cuyahoga) 1 2 3 4 5 talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 VCR that sets its own clock 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Marlins winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5 Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)